"Push," with Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning
Push is a more realistic, gritty version of X-Men. Except instead of being called mutants, the super-powered people are known as "us", "them," and very vague terms suggesting them. Chris Evans (The Human Torch from "Fantastic Four"), is a "Mover," a guy who can use telekinesis. Dakota Fanning is a "Watcher," who can see the future. The two of them are trying to stop Division (which is a corrupt branch of the US government trying to capture all of the super-powered people in the world and create an army. The odd thing about Division is that their leader actually has super powers himself, and he's called a "Pusher," who can put thoughts in your mind. The super powered people's similarities to the X-Men are obvious. They're all pessimistic, whiny bastards who constantly mope about their powers, and don't really give give a damn about causing as much collateral damage as possible though they are the good guys. But at least X-Men had a plot, as stupid as it was.
The director of this film had no idea what he was doing. the plot is broken down into something like "must find case with thing needed to stop bad guys so we can rescue Dakota Fanning's mother and then everyone will be happy yayyyyyy". That really is the plot. The silver lining (kind of) is that it was done on purpose because the movie constantly acts like there's going to be a sequel. The guy who plays the main bad guy is the only guy doing a decent job, though he sucks as much as everybody else. It also said on the back cover that the guy who played as the villain was nominated for an Academy Award. Chris Evans' character is a total hotshot, and I've never really liked him in any of the roles he's in. Dakota Fanning completely fits the role, since the character is almost exactly like every other character she's played in movies. Then there's another "Pusher", played by some twenty-year-old (Oh, and she's dating one of the Jonas Brothers or something). Her character has three jobs in the movie, to make out with Chris Evans, to be all mysterious like, and to switch sides several times during the course of the movie.
There are many problems with it. One, no one in this knows how to make a film. The visual effects are really good. That's about it. The fight scenes are some of the blandest you will ever see. The main question I have about this film, is if it was filmed on such an obviously high level, why does the end result look like some crappy indie film? And why the hell does there need to be a scene with Dakota Fanning in a strip club (and no, she wasn't stripping herself)?
Score: 3/10
The first 20 minutes of "Inkheart," with Brendan Fraser.
Compared to "Push," which I just reviewed, that movie is an Academy Award winner. You need to be a special kind of bad where you immediately want everyone to die. I didn't see much of it, only about 20 minutes or so. But the recommended period of viewing time for this is about 2 minutes. There is only one bit of OK-ness in this piece of crap, and that is (oddly enough) Brendan Fraser. He is one of those horrible actors who keeps on going through inertia and yet you can't hate him. He personifies the dopey idiot who somehow is an action hero (because he isn't a badass). He also finally is starting to wrinkle, his neck looks like my grandpa's. Other than the comforting fact knowing that he's in his zone (because the movie that is geared towards teenagers but is actually watched by 4-year-olds is where he's king), suckage. His character can make the characters from books come to life. Yay. The movie constantly make lines about the "magic of books" and how they can be a "powerful weapon". This movie is a powerful weapon. It's a perfect torture device for the guards at Guantanamo Bay if they ever wanted to stop torturing the prisoners.
Score: 1/10
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Movie Review "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and "12 Rounds"
"X-Men Origins: Wolverine", with Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, and Wil.i.am
This is the most brainless superhero film I've ever seen. That doesn't mean it's bad, and it has a good plot on paper, but when 20th Century Fox filmed this they obviously screwed up. The only superhero films more brainless than this is Fantastic Four (and that's only bearable because Jessica Alba is in those films). The beginning is when a scrawny pre-teen Wolverine (in the 1800s), sees his "dad" killed then kills his friend's dad with his newly grown bone claws, then finds out that his friend's dad is his dad, too, all in the space of about a minute. Then the entire opening credits has Wolverine and his friend/newly discovered brother fighting in the Civil War (for the Union, weird because they're both Canadian), World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War (all for America, obviously). Then his friend/brother (called Victor, but in the comics his name is Sabretooth), tries to rape a Vietnamese woman, is stopped by an American soldier, then grows claws from his fingers and kills the soldier, then forces Wolverine to help him, and then they're put in front of a firing squad, then the opening credits are over. Oh, and they survived D-Day.
So then the movie actually starts with them both in a prison in the late 1960s. A dude named William Stryker (a character from another X-Men movie), meets them and forces them to join a mutant team for no reason. Then I think the movie goes to like the 1990s or something because Wolverine and Sabretooth are with a bunch of other mutants (with Ryan Reynolds, who is in the movie for less than five minutes as a sword wielding guy called Deadpool), and they're in an African country. Than Stryker finds some odd metal on a desk, asks the leader of the people he's after where he got it, takes the mutants to the people who found it, and when they won't tell tells the mutants to murder them all. Then Wolverine gets cold feet (because he's the good guy, duh), and leaves. Then six years go by, he's dating a teacher who won't shut up about a Native American story about some dude that picked flowers for the moon and couldn't give them to "her," (probably an actual myth, but I have no idea). But the guy in the myth has a name that means "Wolverine" in a Native American langauge, then Sabretooth comes out of nowhere and apparently kills her, then Wolverine screams, then he goes after Sabretooth, then he stupidly lets Stryker take him to some place to have adamantium (a made-up metal that's "harder then diamond") injected into his bones so he is literally indestructible, including his claws, then he escapes.
The rest of the movie is Wolvering trying to kill both Stryker and Sabretooth at the same time, fighting almost every mutant he meets, good or bad. There's mutants I've heard of in this movie (Gambit, Deadpool, the Blob, Professor X from the other X-Men movies, Cyclops from the other X-Men movies), and mutants I haven't heard of (all the other mutants in the movie, and some guy who can fire guns really good called Zero, and Wolverine kills him). The final villain (called Weapon XI, who has what looks like almost clear goo covering his mouth, black tatooed lines all over his body, and swords growing out of his arms) is so stupid that the response to his obvious defeat is "Finally!". Actually, this movie is so funny at some points that it's almost a comedy dressed up as an action flick. Lots of people die. Dun dun dun. And Wolverine kicks all their asses. A good action film, but kinda cheesy.
Score: 7/10
"12 Rounds", with John Cena
The thing that threw me off is the back of the cover, which shows that this was made by the same wrestling group that John Cena fights in. The only big guy in this is John Cena, and he does a good job for a guy who's acted in only one other film (The Marine), as far as I know. But this movie is decent, though the villain is some arrogant jewel thief. The story: A jewel thief is almost caught by the FBI in New Orleans (yes, New Orleans), so the FBI makes the obvious move to send average grade cops (John Cena and a friend) after some guy who's avoided every other guy sent after him. So John Cena and Co. actually catch up to this guy, his friend the other cop is shot in the ass (literally) by the jewel thief who's hiding in the trunk of his smokin' hot girlfriend's car (Not to mention that the jewel thief's name is literally a rip off from the Mission: Impossible movies), and then John Cena ends up breaking several minor laws just trying to catch the jewel thief. He stops our friend the jewel thief by grabbing the hitch for a tethered up speedboat and pushes it in front of the approaching car the jewel thief is in. They crash, both the girlfriend and the jewel thief come out alive, jewel thief gets girlfriend to make a run for it before John Cena catches both of them, the music gets more climatic, she's almost away...then she's literally run over by a car. And then cops pop out of nowhere and catch jewel thief.
The screen says "A Year Later". So John Cena and his girlfriend are having the usual little banter that movie couples have, their sink breaks, a plumber comes to fix it. Cena's girlfriend leaves to go on a ferry to get to work. And then jewel thief calls Cena and kidnaps the girlfriend at the same time. jewel thief, being the melodramatic bastard that he is, forces Cena to play a game called "12 Rounds" to get her back. So Cena does all kinds of amazing stunts that you would never have expected a Grade-D cop to be able to do.
That doesn't mean the movie is bad. Oddly, Cena, the only guy in this movie who isn't actually an actor, does the best job. Everyone else is just a cliche. The villain, the loved one, the best friend, the law enforcement guy who's much higher up the ladder than the main character but somehow does a worse job, etc. Oh, and don't forget the cute little dog that Cena seems to like more than the girlfriend. Cena has only two emotions in this movie, annoyed and angry as hell. He doesn't crack a smile once. But despite all the bad stuff about the movie (the worst part about this is everyone else's reactions to "12 Rounds," treating it like an ultra-important game of Clue, with such gems like "You only have x number of "Rounds" left!"), it's still good. John Cena does a good enough job that you want him to win, and though he doesn't give a damn about anyone else (he destroys New Orleans' main power plant in an attempt to stop a trolley in one "Round"), at least he's catching a jewel thief that only kills one person in the actual movie. The villain is so laughably bad that you want John Cena to kill him. For that reason, you're on John Cena's side the whole time.
Score: 7/10
This is the most brainless superhero film I've ever seen. That doesn't mean it's bad, and it has a good plot on paper, but when 20th Century Fox filmed this they obviously screwed up. The only superhero films more brainless than this is Fantastic Four (and that's only bearable because Jessica Alba is in those films). The beginning is when a scrawny pre-teen Wolverine (in the 1800s), sees his "dad" killed then kills his friend's dad with his newly grown bone claws, then finds out that his friend's dad is his dad, too, all in the space of about a minute. Then the entire opening credits has Wolverine and his friend/newly discovered brother fighting in the Civil War (for the Union, weird because they're both Canadian), World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War (all for America, obviously). Then his friend/brother (called Victor, but in the comics his name is Sabretooth), tries to rape a Vietnamese woman, is stopped by an American soldier, then grows claws from his fingers and kills the soldier, then forces Wolverine to help him, and then they're put in front of a firing squad, then the opening credits are over. Oh, and they survived D-Day.
So then the movie actually starts with them both in a prison in the late 1960s. A dude named William Stryker (a character from another X-Men movie), meets them and forces them to join a mutant team for no reason. Then I think the movie goes to like the 1990s or something because Wolverine and Sabretooth are with a bunch of other mutants (with Ryan Reynolds, who is in the movie for less than five minutes as a sword wielding guy called Deadpool), and they're in an African country. Than Stryker finds some odd metal on a desk, asks the leader of the people he's after where he got it, takes the mutants to the people who found it, and when they won't tell tells the mutants to murder them all. Then Wolverine gets cold feet (because he's the good guy, duh), and leaves. Then six years go by, he's dating a teacher who won't shut up about a Native American story about some dude that picked flowers for the moon and couldn't give them to "her," (probably an actual myth, but I have no idea). But the guy in the myth has a name that means "Wolverine" in a Native American langauge, then Sabretooth comes out of nowhere and apparently kills her, then Wolverine screams, then he goes after Sabretooth, then he stupidly lets Stryker take him to some place to have adamantium (a made-up metal that's "harder then diamond") injected into his bones so he is literally indestructible, including his claws, then he escapes.
The rest of the movie is Wolvering trying to kill both Stryker and Sabretooth at the same time, fighting almost every mutant he meets, good or bad. There's mutants I've heard of in this movie (Gambit, Deadpool, the Blob, Professor X from the other X-Men movies, Cyclops from the other X-Men movies), and mutants I haven't heard of (all the other mutants in the movie, and some guy who can fire guns really good called Zero, and Wolverine kills him). The final villain (called Weapon XI, who has what looks like almost clear goo covering his mouth, black tatooed lines all over his body, and swords growing out of his arms) is so stupid that the response to his obvious defeat is "Finally!". Actually, this movie is so funny at some points that it's almost a comedy dressed up as an action flick. Lots of people die. Dun dun dun. And Wolverine kicks all their asses. A good action film, but kinda cheesy.
Score: 7/10
"12 Rounds", with John Cena
The thing that threw me off is the back of the cover, which shows that this was made by the same wrestling group that John Cena fights in. The only big guy in this is John Cena, and he does a good job for a guy who's acted in only one other film (The Marine), as far as I know. But this movie is decent, though the villain is some arrogant jewel thief. The story: A jewel thief is almost caught by the FBI in New Orleans (yes, New Orleans), so the FBI makes the obvious move to send average grade cops (John Cena and a friend) after some guy who's avoided every other guy sent after him. So John Cena and Co. actually catch up to this guy, his friend the other cop is shot in the ass (literally) by the jewel thief who's hiding in the trunk of his smokin' hot girlfriend's car (Not to mention that the jewel thief's name is literally a rip off from the Mission: Impossible movies), and then John Cena ends up breaking several minor laws just trying to catch the jewel thief. He stops our friend the jewel thief by grabbing the hitch for a tethered up speedboat and pushes it in front of the approaching car the jewel thief is in. They crash, both the girlfriend and the jewel thief come out alive, jewel thief gets girlfriend to make a run for it before John Cena catches both of them, the music gets more climatic, she's almost away...then she's literally run over by a car. And then cops pop out of nowhere and catch jewel thief.
The screen says "A Year Later". So John Cena and his girlfriend are having the usual little banter that movie couples have, their sink breaks, a plumber comes to fix it. Cena's girlfriend leaves to go on a ferry to get to work. And then jewel thief calls Cena and kidnaps the girlfriend at the same time. jewel thief, being the melodramatic bastard that he is, forces Cena to play a game called "12 Rounds" to get her back. So Cena does all kinds of amazing stunts that you would never have expected a Grade-D cop to be able to do.
That doesn't mean the movie is bad. Oddly, Cena, the only guy in this movie who isn't actually an actor, does the best job. Everyone else is just a cliche. The villain, the loved one, the best friend, the law enforcement guy who's much higher up the ladder than the main character but somehow does a worse job, etc. Oh, and don't forget the cute little dog that Cena seems to like more than the girlfriend. Cena has only two emotions in this movie, annoyed and angry as hell. He doesn't crack a smile once. But despite all the bad stuff about the movie (the worst part about this is everyone else's reactions to "12 Rounds," treating it like an ultra-important game of Clue, with such gems like "You only have x number of "Rounds" left!"), it's still good. John Cena does a good enough job that you want him to win, and though he doesn't give a damn about anyone else (he destroys New Orleans' main power plant in an attempt to stop a trolley in one "Round"), at least he's catching a jewel thief that only kills one person in the actual movie. The villain is so laughably bad that you want John Cena to kill him. For that reason, you're on John Cena's side the whole time.
Score: 7/10
Monday, July 6, 2009
Tropic Thunder
Embarrassing fact, but it's been over a year since Tropic Thunder came out and I finally saw it today. My mother was pissed. And it's hilarious, if you haven't seen it by now. If you haven't seen it, you need to. Right away. Doesn't matter what gender, race, religion, sexuality, anything, you need to see it. Actually, African-Americans might be offended by Robert Downey Jr.'s character (the character pulls a "reverse-Michael Jackson, yeah I know he died like a week ago, and has a surgery to change his race.), and Tom Cruise (TOM CRUISE!) appears as an oddly Jewish producer who says more F-bombs then anyone else in the movie and has an obsession with modern rap music. But unfortunately, just like TV shows like Family Guy and South Park and movies like Borat and the upcoming Bruno (which I hope is funny, looks funny) can be very offensive against certain genders, race, religions, and sexualities, those two are the funniest characters. Hell, Downey Jr. got an Academy Award nomination for this, but lost it to Heath Ledger (who deserved it). But since 9 times out of 10 you've seen this, I'm not gonna review it. But to quickly refresh all the celebs who appear in this movie at any time, you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. (IRON MAN!), Nick Nolte, Steve Coogan (from Night at the Museum), Danny McBride (from Land of the Lost), Matthew McConaughy (in the best role of his career as Ben Stiller's character's agent), Tom Cruise, Tobey Maguire (SPIDER-MAN!), Martin Lawrence, Tyra Banks, Maria Menoumos (some woman I saw in a makeup commericial and someone on Access Hollywood, according to the part she's in), Jon Voight, Kate Winslet, Jennifer Love Hewitt, possibly Charlize Theron, Lance Bass (the singer from N-Sync who came out of the closet), and Bill Hader (one of the cops from Superbad).
So yes, Tropic Thunder was awesome. But Jack Black sucked.
So yes, Tropic Thunder was awesome. But Jack Black sucked.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Michael Jackson is Dead and the Movie Review of "Confessions of a Shopalolic"
Michael Jackson died on Thursday. I admit that I've never been a fan, since I was born after he was famous (the mid to late 90s), and I liked most of that South Park episode where him and one of his kids moves to South Park (he puts on a fake mustache, and calls himself "Mr. Jefferson" and Cartman falls in love with him), but him dying not only was interesting and weird, but scared the hell out of me.
For one thing, he was 50, which is old, but not old enough to die. I think most people die in their 70s to 80s or even 90s now, and since he died of cardiac arrest, according to what I've heard, so...damn, he must not have been eating good or something. Even worse, he was preparing for a concert tour in London. That really sucks. Oh, and he died on the same day as Farrah Fawcett.
He was a crazy bastard, that was for sure. His fans are some of the weirdest anyone had ever seen. He looked weird, acted weird, did weird stuff, got all those funny surgeries, married Elvis' daughter (his kids are the grandkids of Elvis and the kids of Michael Jackson, my God), divorced her, had that theme park behind his house, went to court twice (I think), had Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sent by Conan O'Brien to 1 of the trials and angered an entire crowd of his fans. So no, I'm not upset that he's dead, but it's odd no longer having some crazy pop singer to make fun of (and his songs aren't that bad for the 80s)
I'm going to put in a movie review because my parents got "Confessions of a Shopalolic" out of Blockbuster. And no, I didn't like it.
"Confessions of a Shopaholic," with Isla Fisher, John Goodman, Joan Cusack, and Will Ferrell's "wife" in Talladega Nights
This movie is for dumb blondes. Or women. Or just about anyone who likes clothes shopping. Isla Fisher is some brain damaged redhead (the character is named Rebecca Bloomwood, which sounds like a redneck name or something) who's obsessed about shopping. She also has hallucinations about the mannequins in the shop windows and inside the shops advertising items. So she splurges and gets into debt. Suddenly she can't buy anything. Damn! She also wants to go into a fashion magazine called Alette run by some European woman type (can't place the accent). To do that, she gets into a sister magazine called Successful Savings . It's ironic as hell, and her emo punk friend (who's engaged, and getting a ritzy as hell bridal dress though she lives in a crappy apartment, crappier than real crappy apartments) even says (I'm paraphrasing) "Rebecca Bloomwood is working for a magazine on how to save money?" So anyway, she and her emo friend go over her bills, lots of them, and get drunk. Rebecca writes an angry letter to the savings magazine (this happened before she got the job) and an article to the fashion one. They get switched, and she gets the job at the savings magazine. She hides in some dresses to get the angry letter from the fashion magazine. She then falls for her new boss, who's some messy British guy. The whole movie is confusing, so the rest is a whirlwind of clothes and shoes and so much woman stuff that even most women will not like this.
Though Will Ferrell's "wife" from Talladega Nights (best movie ever) is in this, she sucks. She's this pale ass modelwho falls for Rebecca's boss. That's it. No one does a good job, and Rebecca is really a hopeless romantic, and even stupider than actual blondes. You may think she's funny, but you don't like her. Even in the climax, where the guy in charge of her bills humilates her on live television (yes, that actually happens), your only comment is "the solution is, stupid, take a gun, and put it to your head so this movie will END." Oh, and one of the actors from the TV show The Office is in it, as a self help guru for shopaholics. And that the same guy who made Pirates of the Caribbean made this. Yay.
For one thing, he was 50, which is old, but not old enough to die. I think most people die in their 70s to 80s or even 90s now, and since he died of cardiac arrest, according to what I've heard, so...damn, he must not have been eating good or something. Even worse, he was preparing for a concert tour in London. That really sucks. Oh, and he died on the same day as Farrah Fawcett.
He was a crazy bastard, that was for sure. His fans are some of the weirdest anyone had ever seen. He looked weird, acted weird, did weird stuff, got all those funny surgeries, married Elvis' daughter (his kids are the grandkids of Elvis and the kids of Michael Jackson, my God), divorced her, had that theme park behind his house, went to court twice (I think), had Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sent by Conan O'Brien to 1 of the trials and angered an entire crowd of his fans. So no, I'm not upset that he's dead, but it's odd no longer having some crazy pop singer to make fun of (and his songs aren't that bad for the 80s)
I'm going to put in a movie review because my parents got "Confessions of a Shopalolic" out of Blockbuster. And no, I didn't like it.
"Confessions of a Shopaholic," with Isla Fisher, John Goodman, Joan Cusack, and Will Ferrell's "wife" in Talladega Nights
This movie is for dumb blondes. Or women. Or just about anyone who likes clothes shopping. Isla Fisher is some brain damaged redhead (the character is named Rebecca Bloomwood, which sounds like a redneck name or something) who's obsessed about shopping. She also has hallucinations about the mannequins in the shop windows and inside the shops advertising items. So she splurges and gets into debt. Suddenly she can't buy anything. Damn! She also wants to go into a fashion magazine called Alette run by some European woman type (can't place the accent). To do that, she gets into a sister magazine called Successful Savings . It's ironic as hell, and her emo punk friend (who's engaged, and getting a ritzy as hell bridal dress though she lives in a crappy apartment, crappier than real crappy apartments) even says (I'm paraphrasing) "Rebecca Bloomwood is working for a magazine on how to save money?" So anyway, she and her emo friend go over her bills, lots of them, and get drunk. Rebecca writes an angry letter to the savings magazine (this happened before she got the job) and an article to the fashion one. They get switched, and she gets the job at the savings magazine. She hides in some dresses to get the angry letter from the fashion magazine. She then falls for her new boss, who's some messy British guy. The whole movie is confusing, so the rest is a whirlwind of clothes and shoes and so much woman stuff that even most women will not like this.
Though Will Ferrell's "wife" from Talladega Nights (best movie ever) is in this, she sucks. She's this pale ass modelwho falls for Rebecca's boss. That's it. No one does a good job, and Rebecca is really a hopeless romantic, and even stupider than actual blondes. You may think she's funny, but you don't like her. Even in the climax, where the guy in charge of her bills humilates her on live television (yes, that actually happens), your only comment is "the solution is, stupid, take a gun, and put it to your head so this movie will END." Oh, and one of the actors from the TV show The Office is in it, as a self help guru for shopaholics. And that the same guy who made Pirates of the Caribbean made this. Yay.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Movie Review "Fast and Furious" and "He's Just Not That Into You"
"Fast and Furious" with Vin Diesel
Fast and Furious is without a doubt the best of the series. The first one had no plot, the second was just an excuse for Paul Walker to bore us all with his constant use of "bro," and the third degenerated into a "friends together forever" sort of thing. This one, thankfully, has none of that. The director was smart enough to put the spotlight correctly on Vin Diesel, who is still the gruff badass he always has been. Along with him comes the original cast of the first movie, and a cameo of a character from the third movie. The movie starts with one of the main characters being murdered. Hint: that character isn't Vin Diesel. But it is one of the four people advertised with the movie, and the whole plot revolves around Diesel trying to get revenge by taking down some drug lord in Mexico. This drug lord, called Braga, has the incredibly "original" idea of having street racers cart the drugs in between Mexico and the U.S. by going through a tunnel that looks like a clone copy of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Diesel wins the race, and the rest of the movie is car chases, lesbian kisses, and brief moments where there are some guns. The guy who actually killed the main character i talked about earlier looks just like a Mr. T wannabe, and his entire role consists of him trying to taunt Diesel and be all threatening. I defenitely pity that fool. But other than that, it's a fun movie, though the ladies will definetley not like this. There's a lot of hot women wearig skimpy clothes.
Vin Diesel is the star here, nuff said. He's the only big name actor in this entire film, and he is in his element here. So watch this if you like Vin Diesel, because he's just as cool as ever.
Score: 7/10
"He's Just Not That Into You" with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannson, and Jennifer Connelly
I was forced to see this yesterday, and ladies, it's much better than Sex and the City, though the same people who made that made this as well. It is for women only, though it's funny for both sexes, but it is so sexist towards guys that most guys would probably hate it. Ignore that, and it's kind of funny. The whole point of the film is that guys are total jerks, and that they do al sorts of bad things to women. Though that can be true, it pushes this point way more than they should. Several people who are having problems with their love lives have their lives connected. That's the plot.To make it easier, Ben Affleck is datin Jennifer Aniston who works in the same place Jennifer Connelly works who's married to Ben's friend, who is friends with a guy who is in love with Scarlett Johannson, who is in love with Ben Affleck's friend, who knows Drew Barrymore, and sleeps with Scarlett, who messes up his marriage with Connelly, who knows a woman who is getting love advice from Justin Long (weird movie for him to be in), who is roommates with the friend of Ben Affleck's friend, who is getting help from Drew Barrymore with his job, who is helping Scarlett with her love life. That's the basic plot, and it's a lot less confusing than it sounds. Also, Aniston wants Ben to marry her but he won't. Barrymore is checking out guys on MySpace (which her literally gay colleagues tell her is the "new booty call"). Connelly is trying to catch her husband (the guy interested in Scarlett) smoking. A last thing before I move on, in the end, three of these characters are single and alone.
For one thing, the only problems with this are the things you notice about the actors. Jennifer Aniston looks old, in contrast to the "ever young" Ben Affleck, who doesn't have a single wrinkle. Drew Barrymore has almost no screen time. Scarlett Johannson's character is interested in a married guy who looks like his in his mid-forties, and also wears a lot of makeup. Little things ike that are the problems. Scarlett Johannson is the only person in this film who's actually sexy and younger. The movie is about a bunch of middle-aged folks doing stuff. If you like that, this movie is for you. Thank God it's funny, because that's the only thing saving it from a bad grade.
Score: 6/10
Fast and Furious is without a doubt the best of the series. The first one had no plot, the second was just an excuse for Paul Walker to bore us all with his constant use of "bro," and the third degenerated into a "friends together forever" sort of thing. This one, thankfully, has none of that. The director was smart enough to put the spotlight correctly on Vin Diesel, who is still the gruff badass he always has been. Along with him comes the original cast of the first movie, and a cameo of a character from the third movie. The movie starts with one of the main characters being murdered. Hint: that character isn't Vin Diesel. But it is one of the four people advertised with the movie, and the whole plot revolves around Diesel trying to get revenge by taking down some drug lord in Mexico. This drug lord, called Braga, has the incredibly "original" idea of having street racers cart the drugs in between Mexico and the U.S. by going through a tunnel that looks like a clone copy of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Diesel wins the race, and the rest of the movie is car chases, lesbian kisses, and brief moments where there are some guns. The guy who actually killed the main character i talked about earlier looks just like a Mr. T wannabe, and his entire role consists of him trying to taunt Diesel and be all threatening. I defenitely pity that fool. But other than that, it's a fun movie, though the ladies will definetley not like this. There's a lot of hot women wearig skimpy clothes.
Vin Diesel is the star here, nuff said. He's the only big name actor in this entire film, and he is in his element here. So watch this if you like Vin Diesel, because he's just as cool as ever.
Score: 7/10
"He's Just Not That Into You" with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannson, and Jennifer Connelly
I was forced to see this yesterday, and ladies, it's much better than Sex and the City, though the same people who made that made this as well. It is for women only, though it's funny for both sexes, but it is so sexist towards guys that most guys would probably hate it. Ignore that, and it's kind of funny. The whole point of the film is that guys are total jerks, and that they do al sorts of bad things to women. Though that can be true, it pushes this point way more than they should. Several people who are having problems with their love lives have their lives connected. That's the plot.To make it easier, Ben Affleck is datin Jennifer Aniston who works in the same place Jennifer Connelly works who's married to Ben's friend, who is friends with a guy who is in love with Scarlett Johannson, who is in love with Ben Affleck's friend, who knows Drew Barrymore, and sleeps with Scarlett, who messes up his marriage with Connelly, who knows a woman who is getting love advice from Justin Long (weird movie for him to be in), who is roommates with the friend of Ben Affleck's friend, who is getting help from Drew Barrymore with his job, who is helping Scarlett with her love life. That's the basic plot, and it's a lot less confusing than it sounds. Also, Aniston wants Ben to marry her but he won't. Barrymore is checking out guys on MySpace (which her literally gay colleagues tell her is the "new booty call"). Connelly is trying to catch her husband (the guy interested in Scarlett) smoking. A last thing before I move on, in the end, three of these characters are single and alone.
For one thing, the only problems with this are the things you notice about the actors. Jennifer Aniston looks old, in contrast to the "ever young" Ben Affleck, who doesn't have a single wrinkle. Drew Barrymore has almost no screen time. Scarlett Johannson's character is interested in a married guy who looks like his in his mid-forties, and also wears a lot of makeup. Little things ike that are the problems. Scarlett Johannson is the only person in this film who's actually sexy and younger. The movie is about a bunch of middle-aged folks doing stuff. If you like that, this movie is for you. Thank God it's funny, because that's the only thing saving it from a bad grade.
Score: 6/10
Friday, June 5, 2009
Movie Review "Terminator Salvation"
"Terminator Salvation," starring Christian Bale
If you are a die hard fan of the other 3 Terminator movies, you probably won't like this. The whole movie is humans and robots shooting at whoever the hell they want. Humans fight humans or robots, and robots do the same thing. This film is about John Connor "finding his destiny as the leader of the Human Resistance." In case your wondering, the Resistance is kind of like the Rebels in the Star Wars films, but the difference is that it's leader are arrogant fat snobs who don't give a damn about anything but their own desires. They are fully prepared to kill anyone in their way. Of course, then you have an oddly pessimistic John Connor, a vast change from that peppy little bastard from the 2nd and 3rd Terminator movies. He's got a wife, named Kate Brewster, and she's pregnant. And then there's the 2nd good Terminator (the other one was that chick from the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles TV show) who isn't Ah-nuld. The difference between this one and Ah-nuld is the really stupid fact that he doesn't even have the brute strength of the other Terminators. Compared to any other one, he's a wuss. But he magiclally becomes justb as strong as any other Terminator near the end, so it's all good. This new one is called Marcus, and the movie starts with him as a human being killed by lethal injection. But the leader of the Terminators, a computer program (Think a slightly more primitive version of The Matrix, except with none of that virtual reality stuff) called Skynet, creates a Terminator that looks like him, and has his memories. He finds John Connor with the help pf some scrawny brat named Kyle Reese (Terminator fans know who he is), and some little girl who can't talk (not kidding, she really is in the movie). Anyway, Marcus finds John Connor, and faster than you can say "hasta la vista, baby" Marcus is captured, freed, and ends up helping John Connor. The rest is an action whirlwind of Terminators trying to kill John Connor.
Although I sound really critical, this is actually really good if you like action movies. In that case, you'll be pleased. Like my earlier review of "Valkyrie," its bad parts are so stupid you actually can laugh at it. For one thing, the director of this movie made the two "Charlie's Angels" films. And if you've seen those, which are really bad, this movie is an Oscar-winner in comparison. The Terminators are the worst (funniest) part. There are (in a quick mental thought), Moto-Terminators (basically motorcycle robots), Harvesters (I think that what they're called, they are those giant robots that kept grabbing people in the commerical and had those funny arms on their body), H-Ks (kinda like a really futuristic plane), and finally, the Hydrobots (they look like worms, kinda). The Hydrobots are the scariest, so if you bring your kids (if you have kids), there is an actually scary scene with one, strapped down to a table. And then there's the normal Terminators, and they have the honor of starting a scene near the end that is almost exactly like the final fight scene in the first Terminator. And then there is one more kind of Terminator, and it's a secret. Trust me, you'll love it. He has a five minute fight scene with John Connor, and it is by far the best part of the film. Anyway, this film is actually really good. Ignore some of the ridiculous moments in the film and you'll have a good time (Hint: a computer that looks like Helena Bonham Carter with cancer)
Score: 9/10
If you are a die hard fan of the other 3 Terminator movies, you probably won't like this. The whole movie is humans and robots shooting at whoever the hell they want. Humans fight humans or robots, and robots do the same thing. This film is about John Connor "finding his destiny as the leader of the Human Resistance." In case your wondering, the Resistance is kind of like the Rebels in the Star Wars films, but the difference is that it's leader are arrogant fat snobs who don't give a damn about anything but their own desires. They are fully prepared to kill anyone in their way. Of course, then you have an oddly pessimistic John Connor, a vast change from that peppy little bastard from the 2nd and 3rd Terminator movies. He's got a wife, named Kate Brewster, and she's pregnant. And then there's the 2nd good Terminator (the other one was that chick from the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles TV show) who isn't Ah-nuld. The difference between this one and Ah-nuld is the really stupid fact that he doesn't even have the brute strength of the other Terminators. Compared to any other one, he's a wuss. But he magiclally becomes justb as strong as any other Terminator near the end, so it's all good. This new one is called Marcus, and the movie starts with him as a human being killed by lethal injection. But the leader of the Terminators, a computer program (Think a slightly more primitive version of The Matrix, except with none of that virtual reality stuff) called Skynet, creates a Terminator that looks like him, and has his memories. He finds John Connor with the help pf some scrawny brat named Kyle Reese (Terminator fans know who he is), and some little girl who can't talk (not kidding, she really is in the movie). Anyway, Marcus finds John Connor, and faster than you can say "hasta la vista, baby" Marcus is captured, freed, and ends up helping John Connor. The rest is an action whirlwind of Terminators trying to kill John Connor.
Although I sound really critical, this is actually really good if you like action movies. In that case, you'll be pleased. Like my earlier review of "Valkyrie," its bad parts are so stupid you actually can laugh at it. For one thing, the director of this movie made the two "Charlie's Angels" films. And if you've seen those, which are really bad, this movie is an Oscar-winner in comparison. The Terminators are the worst (funniest) part. There are (in a quick mental thought), Moto-Terminators (basically motorcycle robots), Harvesters (I think that what they're called, they are those giant robots that kept grabbing people in the commerical and had those funny arms on their body), H-Ks (kinda like a really futuristic plane), and finally, the Hydrobots (they look like worms, kinda). The Hydrobots are the scariest, so if you bring your kids (if you have kids), there is an actually scary scene with one, strapped down to a table. And then there's the normal Terminators, and they have the honor of starting a scene near the end that is almost exactly like the final fight scene in the first Terminator. And then there is one more kind of Terminator, and it's a secret. Trust me, you'll love it. He has a five minute fight scene with John Connor, and it is by far the best part of the film. Anyway, this film is actually really good. Ignore some of the ridiculous moments in the film and you'll have a good time (Hint: a computer that looks like Helena Bonham Carter with cancer)
Score: 9/10
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Movie Review "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Valkyrie," and "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
Just as a change from my last couple of blogs, I'm gonna start reviewing movies. Since three big name movies have come out on DVD in May 2009 that I've seen, I'm gonna review three movies this time.
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett
This movie's idea is interesting. A guy ages backwards, starting as a shriveled up baby and dying as a newborn. Most of the film this guy is Brad Pitt, but about two other actors play as Benjamin Button near the end. His white father abandons him to an almost entirely African-American home, and he is raised by a kind woman who can't get pregnant (She does get pregnant later, though). He meets Daisy, who is the grandaughter of some old woman, and thry become friends. About fifteen minutes later, he goes off to sea, getting younger. He meets interesting folks, has a relationship with Daisy, has a daughter, leaves Daisy, and is found in the same home he was raised in as a twelve-year old with amnesia. He eventually dies in Daisy's arms as a baby.
The whole movie is read like a story by his daughter, who's reading it to an almost dead Daisy in a hospital in New Orleans in 2005. The movie is kinda disturbing, especially near the end, because an old woman Daisy is leading a toddler Ben Button who she slept with 30 years earlier. It also has no plot, as if the interesting idea of a man who ages backward who happens to be Brad Pitt would be enoughto keep it going. This movie isn't very good. That little plot device of Button getting younger is the only interesting thing about the movie. Cate Blanchett did a good job despite looking middle aged the whole time she was in the movie. Even when Buttonand Daisy are the "same age," she still looks older than Brad Pitt, which is odd because in real life she's actually younger. Only fans of odd plot points and Brad Pitt will like this.
Score: 4/10
"Valkyrie," with Tom Cruise
Valkyrie is about the most famous attempt on Adolf Hitler's life, but sexualized into a thriller starring a slightly balding version of the secret agent from Mission: Impossible. In the movie, a group of Nazis attempt to kill Hitler with a bomb, led by Tom Cruise missing a hand, two fingers from his other hand, and an eye. He's easily the youngest member of the "Nazi Traitors," since everyone but him is old and saggy. Apparently, his character, Colonel Staffenburg, has been plotting to kill Hitler, and then gets his chance when a group of Nazis offer him mebership in their little clique. There are two attempts on Hitler's life in the movie, one that almost happens, and an actual explosion but doesn't kill Hitler. The plan goes wrong when after the second attempt, Cruise tricks the German Reserve Army into arresting every SS and Gestapo agent in Germany, or something like that. It's ruined when Hitler takes charge of the fight against Cruise himself, and gets him and the rest of his friends arrested. Finally, the traitors are shot. The End.
The movie has a lot less action than I hoped, but unlike Button actually has a plot. The worst part about the movie is the fact that even without trying, you know what will happen, even if you don't know how. Tom Cruise is gonna die. Cruise does a good job, and is actually funny, getting almost hysterical in his "oddly" American accent. Not to mention that every character but Cruise and Hitler has a British accent. At least Hitler sounds German. Add the fact that Cruise and many other characters speak so quietly you can barely hear anyone speaking. Subtitles are reccomended for this film even if you're not deaf. But despite that, it's not bad, and the bad parts are so laughable you can't hate them. Staffenburg's wife only in the movie to provide emotional support and make-out sessions (two of them), and the fact that Eddie Izzard is in the movie but almost unrecongnizable. Though Neo-Nazis and Nicole Kidman will certainly not like it, fans of action, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes will like it. So hopefully, for Tom Cruise's sake, you liked Risky Business, because then his WWII flick will get more money.
Score: 7/10
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop," with Kevin James
Paul Blart is to Kevin James what I Am Legend and Hancock was to Will Smith, a movie where only the main character does anything important. This is, by far, the worst role Kevin James has ever had. Blart is stupid, wimpy, and unlikable. He's a mall cop who takes his job too seriously, and actually has the sass to try giving an old man in an electric wheelchair a speeding ticket. Everyone he knows but his mother and daughter hates him. And he has hypoglycemia, which means he constantly needs to eat sugar, and is to him what kryptonite is to Superman and what fat women are to Hugh Hefner. Eventually, this seriousness actually helps when a coworker is revealed to be a hijacker and takes over the mall with the help of some extreme sports loving terrorist wannabes (Considering that one of them actually tries killing Blart on a bicycle, they're not scary at all). By a horrible coincedence (Blart is playing Rock Band as the hijackers attack the mall), Blart's the only mall cop left inside the actual mall. So the rest of the film is a smorgasboard of Blart defeating the hijackers in "inventive" ways (slamming an air duct onto a hijacker's head, launching a fog machine at another, and blowing up an oven in a Rainforest Cafe, a few examples), and stupid antics (putting a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on a cut, getting into a fight with a majorly obese woman in a Victoria's Secret), and wins over his crush, some woman working at a wig kiosk, and saves the few people left in the mall.
Though it's cheesy (and the most kid-friendly flick producer Adam Sandler has ever made), it's kind of funny, and has its moments. For an overweight, wimpy mall cop, at least Kevin James does a good job at a bad role.
Score: 6/10
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett
This movie's idea is interesting. A guy ages backwards, starting as a shriveled up baby and dying as a newborn. Most of the film this guy is Brad Pitt, but about two other actors play as Benjamin Button near the end. His white father abandons him to an almost entirely African-American home, and he is raised by a kind woman who can't get pregnant (She does get pregnant later, though). He meets Daisy, who is the grandaughter of some old woman, and thry become friends. About fifteen minutes later, he goes off to sea, getting younger. He meets interesting folks, has a relationship with Daisy, has a daughter, leaves Daisy, and is found in the same home he was raised in as a twelve-year old with amnesia. He eventually dies in Daisy's arms as a baby.
The whole movie is read like a story by his daughter, who's reading it to an almost dead Daisy in a hospital in New Orleans in 2005. The movie is kinda disturbing, especially near the end, because an old woman Daisy is leading a toddler Ben Button who she slept with 30 years earlier. It also has no plot, as if the interesting idea of a man who ages backward who happens to be Brad Pitt would be enoughto keep it going. This movie isn't very good. That little plot device of Button getting younger is the only interesting thing about the movie. Cate Blanchett did a good job despite looking middle aged the whole time she was in the movie. Even when Buttonand Daisy are the "same age," she still looks older than Brad Pitt, which is odd because in real life she's actually younger. Only fans of odd plot points and Brad Pitt will like this.
Score: 4/10
"Valkyrie," with Tom Cruise
Valkyrie is about the most famous attempt on Adolf Hitler's life, but sexualized into a thriller starring a slightly balding version of the secret agent from Mission: Impossible. In the movie, a group of Nazis attempt to kill Hitler with a bomb, led by Tom Cruise missing a hand, two fingers from his other hand, and an eye. He's easily the youngest member of the "Nazi Traitors," since everyone but him is old and saggy. Apparently, his character, Colonel Staffenburg, has been plotting to kill Hitler, and then gets his chance when a group of Nazis offer him mebership in their little clique. There are two attempts on Hitler's life in the movie, one that almost happens, and an actual explosion but doesn't kill Hitler. The plan goes wrong when after the second attempt, Cruise tricks the German Reserve Army into arresting every SS and Gestapo agent in Germany, or something like that. It's ruined when Hitler takes charge of the fight against Cruise himself, and gets him and the rest of his friends arrested. Finally, the traitors are shot. The End.
The movie has a lot less action than I hoped, but unlike Button actually has a plot. The worst part about the movie is the fact that even without trying, you know what will happen, even if you don't know how. Tom Cruise is gonna die. Cruise does a good job, and is actually funny, getting almost hysterical in his "oddly" American accent. Not to mention that every character but Cruise and Hitler has a British accent. At least Hitler sounds German. Add the fact that Cruise and many other characters speak so quietly you can barely hear anyone speaking. Subtitles are reccomended for this film even if you're not deaf. But despite that, it's not bad, and the bad parts are so laughable you can't hate them. Staffenburg's wife only in the movie to provide emotional support and make-out sessions (two of them), and the fact that Eddie Izzard is in the movie but almost unrecongnizable. Though Neo-Nazis and Nicole Kidman will certainly not like it, fans of action, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes will like it. So hopefully, for Tom Cruise's sake, you liked Risky Business, because then his WWII flick will get more money.
Score: 7/10
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop," with Kevin James
Paul Blart is to Kevin James what I Am Legend and Hancock was to Will Smith, a movie where only the main character does anything important. This is, by far, the worst role Kevin James has ever had. Blart is stupid, wimpy, and unlikable. He's a mall cop who takes his job too seriously, and actually has the sass to try giving an old man in an electric wheelchair a speeding ticket. Everyone he knows but his mother and daughter hates him. And he has hypoglycemia, which means he constantly needs to eat sugar, and is to him what kryptonite is to Superman and what fat women are to Hugh Hefner. Eventually, this seriousness actually helps when a coworker is revealed to be a hijacker and takes over the mall with the help of some extreme sports loving terrorist wannabes (Considering that one of them actually tries killing Blart on a bicycle, they're not scary at all). By a horrible coincedence (Blart is playing Rock Band as the hijackers attack the mall), Blart's the only mall cop left inside the actual mall. So the rest of the film is a smorgasboard of Blart defeating the hijackers in "inventive" ways (slamming an air duct onto a hijacker's head, launching a fog machine at another, and blowing up an oven in a Rainforest Cafe, a few examples), and stupid antics (putting a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on a cut, getting into a fight with a majorly obese woman in a Victoria's Secret), and wins over his crush, some woman working at a wig kiosk, and saves the few people left in the mall.
Though it's cheesy (and the most kid-friendly flick producer Adam Sandler has ever made), it's kind of funny, and has its moments. For an overweight, wimpy mall cop, at least Kevin James does a good job at a bad role.
Score: 6/10
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