Saturday, June 27, 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead and the Movie Review of "Confessions of a Shopalolic"

Michael Jackson died on Thursday. I admit that I've never been a fan, since I was born after he was famous (the mid to late 90s), and I liked most of that South Park episode where him and one of his kids moves to South Park (he puts on a fake mustache, and calls himself "Mr. Jefferson" and Cartman falls in love with him), but him dying not only was interesting and weird, but scared the hell out of me.

For one thing, he was 50, which is old, but not old enough to die. I think most people die in their 70s to 80s or even 90s now, and since he died of cardiac arrest, according to what I've heard, so...damn, he must not have been eating good or something. Even worse, he was preparing for a concert tour in London. That really sucks. Oh, and he died on the same day as Farrah Fawcett.

He was a crazy bastard, that was for sure. His fans are some of the weirdest anyone had ever seen. He looked weird, acted weird, did weird stuff, got all those funny surgeries, married Elvis' daughter (his kids are the grandkids of Elvis and the kids of Michael Jackson, my God), divorced her, had that theme park behind his house, went to court twice (I think), had Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sent by Conan O'Brien to 1 of the trials and angered an entire crowd of his fans. So no, I'm not upset that he's dead, but it's odd no longer having some crazy pop singer to make fun of (and his songs aren't that bad for the 80s)

I'm going to put in a movie review because my parents got "Confessions of a Shopalolic" out of Blockbuster. And no, I didn't like it.

"Confessions of a Shopaholic," with Isla Fisher, John Goodman, Joan Cusack, and Will Ferrell's "wife" in Talladega Nights

This movie is for dumb blondes. Or women. Or just about anyone who likes clothes shopping. Isla Fisher is some brain damaged redhead (the character is named Rebecca Bloomwood, which sounds like a redneck name or something) who's obsessed about shopping. She also has hallucinations about the mannequins in the shop windows and inside the shops advertising items. So she splurges and gets into debt. Suddenly she can't buy anything. Damn! She also wants to go into a fashion magazine called Alette run by some European woman type (can't place the accent). To do that, she gets into a sister magazine called Successful Savings . It's ironic as hell, and her emo punk friend (who's engaged, and getting a ritzy as hell bridal dress though she lives in a crappy apartment, crappier than real crappy apartments) even says (I'm paraphrasing) "Rebecca Bloomwood is working for a magazine on how to save money?" So anyway, she and her emo friend go over her bills, lots of them, and get drunk. Rebecca writes an angry letter to the savings magazine (this happened before she got the job) and an article to the fashion one. They get switched, and she gets the job at the savings magazine. She hides in some dresses to get the angry letter from the fashion magazine. She then falls for her new boss, who's some messy British guy. The whole movie is confusing, so the rest is a whirlwind of clothes and shoes and so much woman stuff that even most women will not like this.

Though Will Ferrell's "wife" from Talladega Nights (best movie ever) is in this, she sucks. She's this pale ass modelwho falls for Rebecca's boss. That's it. No one does a good job, and Rebecca is really a hopeless romantic, and even stupider than actual blondes. You may think she's funny, but you don't like her. Even in the climax, where the guy in charge of her bills humilates her on live television (yes, that actually happens), your only comment is "the solution is, stupid, take a gun, and put it to your head so this movie will END." Oh, and one of the actors from the TV show The Office is in it, as a self help guru for shopaholics. And that the same guy who made Pirates of the Caribbean made this. Yay.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Movie Review "Fast and Furious" and "He's Just Not That Into You"

"Fast and Furious" with Vin Diesel

Fast and Furious is without a doubt the best of the series. The first one had no plot, the second was just an excuse for Paul Walker to bore us all with his constant use of "bro," and the third degenerated into a "friends together forever" sort of thing. This one, thankfully, has none of that. The director was smart enough to put the spotlight correctly on Vin Diesel, who is still the gruff badass he always has been. Along with him comes the original cast of the first movie, and a cameo of a character from the third movie. The movie starts with one of the main characters being murdered. Hint: that character isn't Vin Diesel. But it is one of the four people advertised with the movie, and the whole plot revolves around Diesel trying to get revenge by taking down some drug lord in Mexico. This drug lord, called Braga, has the incredibly "original" idea of having street racers cart the drugs in between Mexico and the U.S. by going through a tunnel that looks like a clone copy of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Diesel wins the race, and the rest of the movie is car chases, lesbian kisses, and brief moments where there are some guns. The guy who actually killed the main character i talked about earlier looks just like a Mr. T wannabe, and his entire role consists of him trying to taunt Diesel and be all threatening. I defenitely pity that fool. But other than that, it's a fun movie, though the ladies will definetley not like this. There's a lot of hot women wearig skimpy clothes.

Vin Diesel is the star here, nuff said. He's the only big name actor in this entire film, and he is in his element here. So watch this if you like Vin Diesel, because he's just as cool as ever.

Score: 7/10

"He's Just Not That Into You" with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannson, and Jennifer Connelly

I was forced to see this yesterday, and ladies, it's much better than Sex and the City, though the same people who made that made this as well. It is for women only, though it's funny for both sexes, but it is so sexist towards guys that most guys would probably hate it. Ignore that, and it's kind of funny. The whole point of the film is that guys are total jerks, and that they do al sorts of bad things to women. Though that can be true, it pushes this point way more than they should. Several people who are having problems with their love lives have their lives connected. That's the plot.To make it easier, Ben Affleck is datin Jennifer Aniston who works in the same place Jennifer Connelly works who's married to Ben's friend, who is friends with a guy who is in love with Scarlett Johannson, who is in love with Ben Affleck's friend, who knows Drew Barrymore, and sleeps with Scarlett, who messes up his marriage with Connelly, who knows a woman who is getting love advice from Justin Long (weird movie for him to be in), who is roommates with the friend of Ben Affleck's friend, who is getting help from Drew Barrymore with his job, who is helping Scarlett with her love life. That's the basic plot, and it's a lot less confusing than it sounds. Also, Aniston wants Ben to marry her but he won't. Barrymore is checking out guys on MySpace (which her literally gay colleagues tell her is the "new booty call"). Connelly is trying to catch her husband (the guy interested in Scarlett) smoking. A last thing before I move on, in the end, three of these characters are single and alone.

For one thing, the only problems with this are the things you notice about the actors. Jennifer Aniston looks old, in contrast to the "ever young" Ben Affleck, who doesn't have a single wrinkle. Drew Barrymore has almost no screen time. Scarlett Johannson's character is interested in a married guy who looks like his in his mid-forties, and also wears a lot of makeup. Little things ike that are the problems. Scarlett Johannson is the only person in this film who's actually sexy and younger. The movie is about a bunch of middle-aged folks doing stuff. If you like that, this movie is for you. Thank God it's funny, because that's the only thing saving it from a bad grade.

Score: 6/10

Friday, June 5, 2009

Movie Review "Terminator Salvation"

"Terminator Salvation," starring Christian Bale

If you are a die hard fan of the other 3 Terminator movies, you probably won't like this. The whole movie is humans and robots shooting at whoever the hell they want. Humans fight humans or robots, and robots do the same thing. This film is about John Connor "finding his destiny as the leader of the Human Resistance." In case your wondering, the Resistance is kind of like the Rebels in the Star Wars films, but the difference is that it's leader are arrogant fat snobs who don't give a damn about anything but their own desires. They are fully prepared to kill anyone in their way. Of course, then you have an oddly pessimistic John Connor, a vast change from that peppy little bastard from the 2nd and 3rd Terminator movies. He's got a wife, named Kate Brewster, and she's pregnant. And then there's the 2nd good Terminator (the other one was that chick from the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles TV show) who isn't Ah-nuld. The difference between this one and Ah-nuld is the really stupid fact that he doesn't even have the brute strength of the other Terminators. Compared to any other one, he's a wuss. But he magiclally becomes justb as strong as any other Terminator near the end, so it's all good. This new one is called Marcus, and the movie starts with him as a human being killed by lethal injection. But the leader of the Terminators, a computer program (Think a slightly more primitive version of The Matrix, except with none of that virtual reality stuff) called Skynet, creates a Terminator that looks like him, and has his memories. He finds John Connor with the help pf some scrawny brat named Kyle Reese (Terminator fans know who he is), and some little girl who can't talk (not kidding, she really is in the movie). Anyway, Marcus finds John Connor, and faster than you can say "hasta la vista, baby" Marcus is captured, freed, and ends up helping John Connor. The rest is an action whirlwind of Terminators trying to kill John Connor.

Although I sound really critical, this is actually really good if you like action movies. In that case, you'll be pleased. Like my earlier review of "Valkyrie," its bad parts are so stupid you actually can laugh at it. For one thing, the director of this movie made the two "Charlie's Angels" films. And if you've seen those, which are really bad, this movie is an Oscar-winner in comparison. The Terminators are the worst (funniest) part. There are (in a quick mental thought), Moto-Terminators (basically motorcycle robots), Harvesters (I think that what they're called, they are those giant robots that kept grabbing people in the commerical and had those funny arms on their body), H-Ks (kinda like a really futuristic plane), and finally, the Hydrobots (they look like worms, kinda). The Hydrobots are the scariest, so if you bring your kids (if you have kids), there is an actually scary scene with one, strapped down to a table. And then there's the normal Terminators, and they have the honor of starting a scene near the end that is almost exactly like the final fight scene in the first Terminator. And then there is one more kind of Terminator, and it's a secret. Trust me, you'll love it. He has a five minute fight scene with John Connor, and it is by far the best part of the film. Anyway, this film is actually really good. Ignore some of the ridiculous moments in the film and you'll have a good time (Hint: a computer that looks like Helena Bonham Carter with cancer)

Score: 9/10

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Movie Review "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Valkyrie," and "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

Just as a change from my last couple of blogs, I'm gonna start reviewing movies. Since three big name movies have come out on DVD in May 2009 that I've seen, I'm gonna review three movies this time.

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett

This movie's idea is interesting. A guy ages backwards, starting as a shriveled up baby and dying as a newborn. Most of the film this guy is Brad Pitt, but about two other actors play as Benjamin Button near the end. His white father abandons him to an almost entirely African-American home, and he is raised by a kind woman who can't get pregnant (She does get pregnant later, though). He meets Daisy, who is the grandaughter of some old woman, and thry become friends. About fifteen minutes later, he goes off to sea, getting younger. He meets interesting folks, has a relationship with Daisy, has a daughter, leaves Daisy, and is found in the same home he was raised in as a twelve-year old with amnesia. He eventually dies in Daisy's arms as a baby.

The whole movie is read like a story by his daughter, who's reading it to an almost dead Daisy in a hospital in New Orleans in 2005. The movie is kinda disturbing, especially near the end, because an old woman Daisy is leading a toddler Ben Button who she slept with 30 years earlier. It also has no plot, as if the interesting idea of a man who ages backward who happens to be Brad Pitt would be enoughto keep it going. This movie isn't very good. That little plot device of Button getting younger is the only interesting thing about the movie. Cate Blanchett did a good job despite looking middle aged the whole time she was in the movie. Even when Buttonand Daisy are the "same age," she still looks older than Brad Pitt, which is odd because in real life she's actually younger. Only fans of odd plot points and Brad Pitt will like this.

Score: 4/10

"Valkyrie," with Tom Cruise

Valkyrie is about the most famous attempt on Adolf Hitler's life, but sexualized into a thriller starring a slightly balding version of the secret agent from Mission: Impossible. In the movie, a group of Nazis attempt to kill Hitler with a bomb, led by Tom Cruise missing a hand, two fingers from his other hand, and an eye. He's easily the youngest member of the "Nazi Traitors," since everyone but him is old and saggy. Apparently, his character, Colonel Staffenburg, has been plotting to kill Hitler, and then gets his chance when a group of Nazis offer him mebership in their little clique. There are two attempts on Hitler's life in the movie, one that almost happens, and an actual explosion but doesn't kill Hitler. The plan goes wrong when after the second attempt, Cruise tricks the German Reserve Army into arresting every SS and Gestapo agent in Germany, or something like that. It's ruined when Hitler takes charge of the fight against Cruise himself, and gets him and the rest of his friends arrested. Finally, the traitors are shot. The End.

The movie has a lot less action than I hoped, but unlike Button actually has a plot. The worst part about the movie is the fact that even without trying, you know what will happen, even if you don't know how. Tom Cruise is gonna die. Cruise does a good job, and is actually funny, getting almost hysterical in his "oddly" American accent. Not to mention that every character but Cruise and Hitler has a British accent. At least Hitler sounds German. Add the fact that Cruise and many other characters speak so quietly you can barely hear anyone speaking. Subtitles are reccomended for this film even if you're not deaf. But despite that, it's not bad, and the bad parts are so laughable you can't hate them. Staffenburg's wife only in the movie to provide emotional support and make-out sessions (two of them), and the fact that Eddie Izzard is in the movie but almost unrecongnizable. Though Neo-Nazis and Nicole Kidman will certainly not like it, fans of action, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes will like it. So hopefully, for Tom Cruise's sake, you liked Risky Business, because then his WWII flick will get more money.

Score: 7/10

"Paul Blart: Mall Cop," with Kevin James

Paul Blart is to Kevin James what I Am Legend and Hancock was to Will Smith, a movie where only the main character does anything important. This is, by far, the worst role Kevin James has ever had. Blart is stupid, wimpy, and unlikable. He's a mall cop who takes his job too seriously, and actually has the sass to try giving an old man in an electric wheelchair a speeding ticket. Everyone he knows but his mother and daughter hates him. And he has hypoglycemia, which means he constantly needs to eat sugar, and is to him what kryptonite is to Superman and what fat women are to Hugh Hefner. Eventually, this seriousness actually helps when a coworker is revealed to be a hijacker and takes over the mall with the help of some extreme sports loving terrorist wannabes (Considering that one of them actually tries killing Blart on a bicycle, they're not scary at all). By a horrible coincedence (Blart is playing Rock Band as the hijackers attack the mall), Blart's the only mall cop left inside the actual mall. So the rest of the film is a smorgasboard of Blart defeating the hijackers in "inventive" ways (slamming an air duct onto a hijacker's head, launching a fog machine at another, and blowing up an oven in a Rainforest Cafe, a few examples), and stupid antics (putting a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on a cut, getting into a fight with a majorly obese woman in a Victoria's Secret), and wins over his crush, some woman working at a wig kiosk, and saves the few people left in the mall.

Though it's cheesy (and the most kid-friendly flick producer Adam Sandler has ever made), it's kind of funny, and has its moments. For an overweight, wimpy mall cop, at least Kevin James does a good job at a bad role.

Score: 6/10