Friday, November 6, 2009

Movie Review "Land of the Lost"

"Land of the Lost," with Will Ferrell

I didn't know till the movie came out in theaters that this was based on a TV show. I was even more worried when my parents told me that the show this was based on not only was stupid, but also wasn't even successful or popular back when it came out in the 70s. And worst of all, this film proves why Will Ferrell has only been in four good movies (the first two Austin Powers films, Talladega Nights, and Blades of Glory).

This movie takes every funny thing you can imagine and throws it out the window. It uses scatological humor (Will Ferrell gets pooped out of a T-Rex) and plain old stupid humor (Will Ferrell makes out with a primitive human). None of it is funny, and it involves his character creating a broken down looking device that sends him, another scientist and a general shop owner to the Land of the Lost, where past, present, and future are all mixed up. There Will Ferrell attempts to play action hero, fighting a T-Rex and reptile things called Sleestaks (and a tunic foreshadows the whole movie). So that's about it. Don't watch it, unless you want Jurasic Park combined with Back to the Future and a little bit of The Matrix with none of the awesomeness.

Score: 4/10

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Movie Review "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," with Channing Tautum, Dennis Quaid, one of the Wayan brothers, and that guy who was in that "(500) Days of Summer" movie

The same guy who made this made The Mummy (the one with Brenden Fraser, who makes a cameo), so they both are the same thing. Cheesy. As hell. For people who were not kids in the 80s, this movie is based on the newer G.I. Joe stuff, not the original. So that's why there's laser guns, ninjas, and really tacky armor that would make Iron Man go into hysterics. The movie has been made for both kids and adults at the same time. But maybe that's why it's so good.

I hated this movie at first. The first several minute consists of some guy in the 1600s getting burned in the face, and some army guys being attacked by dudes with *squeal* laser guns. Eventually, it gets to the point where, stupid or not, you can't help but like it.

Don't get me wrong, this is good, but Transformers outdoes it by a lot. It looks better, has better characters, plot, and a lot more laughs. In Transformers, the comedy is unintentional and therefore hilarious. In this, they try on purpose, and mess up. There's also some things that even as sci-fi as this movie gets, cannot possibly happen. The redheaded woman (who is the "Megan Fox" of the movie and almost as hot) graduated college at twelve, according to another one of the Joes. A woman that hot graduating at that age? Nahhhh. And in another scene, where Channing Tautum's character is led into the evil lair, in the freezing cold wearing a leather jacket and jeans and everyone else is wearing thin clothes, how come they act like it's Miami? God knows.

But if you want a decent action flick (and you don't mind Iron Man ripoffs), then this is for you. But don't expect anything spectacular.

Score: 7/10

Hot Redhead Chick Score: 9.9/10

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Movie Review "Year One"

"Year One," with Jack Black, Michael Cera, Paul Rudd, Harold Ramis, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin!)

Year One is like what Ghostbusters would be if it was a Geico commercial. That's actually kind of a good thing. The movie combines hilarious moments with some really bad ones. Thankfully, it's more funny than not funny.

Year One actually has some untold back story. First of all, it's not really "year one," more like year nine hundred something, since Adam (Harold Ramis) as an old man appears in it. But anyway, apparently the cavemen have settled where the Garden of Eden is, because on of them (Jack Black) eats the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He comments that it has a "sort of knowledge-y taste." Not really, since him and Michael Cera get kicked out of their cavemen tribe, and form (according to Black's character) the "muscle tribe of power and excellence." So they wander around the Middle East and biblical history from Cain and Abel to Sodom. It's funny especially because Black's character (named Zed) is convinced he's chosen by God to do something, while Cera's character (named Oh) ends up inventing atheism when he wanders in Sodom's holy room where the "gods" are said to be. The comments involving them are mostly hilarious and will have you in hysterics.

Which is where it screws up. Sort of. Christopher Mintz-Plasse (playing the role of a "McLovin-ized" Issac) has some of the worst lines in the movie, and it's Harold Ramis' (the director) fault. After films like Superbad, he deserves a much better role. And there's way too many scatological stuff. All of that is mostly Michael Cera, as he pukes, gives an oil rub to a hairy makeup wearing fat guy, and pees into his own nose while he's upside down. Meanwhile, Jack Black eats bear crap (literally). Other than that and some really stupid characters (Cain and Abel, everyone but Zed, Oh, a hot princess, Abraham and Issac), the movie is really good. But if you don't like Ghostbusters (which you should), then you shouldn't watch this.

Score: 8/10

McLovin score: 11/10

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Movie Review "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" and "My Life in Ruins"

Yeah, it's been almost a week since I saw these, but I'll try to review them.

"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," with everyone from all of the other Harry Potter movies

This movie's plot is a lot simpler than the other ones. The plot is "ooooh, even wizards have girl trouble and Dumbledore dies." Yeah. He dies. But since it's been half a decade since the book came out (I think), it's not that shocking. It's kind of funny in some parts, actually. There are moments that will make you crack up. But the best parts of the book are the worst parts of the movie. But if you're not a big-time Harry Potter fan, it won't be that painful. The plot also involves looking at memories about the series' main villain, Voldemort (who appears for about two seconds in the movie). Boring stuff, obviously made to look like a horror movie. It's boring. Almost all of it is.


"My Life in Ruins," starring that woman from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding" in Greece. That is the whole movie. Woman has no life, finds perfect male on first try. But while the Big Fat Greek Wedding is actually funny, probably one of the best rom-coms out there (and since 99% of rom-coms sucks, when I like one, that's good). But take that, take everything good out of it, and you have this. The main character is a woman tour guide. She's an American Greek living in Greece. She has no life. Damn it. She constantly bitches about this, talking to her bearded bus driver about "how she hasn't had sex in forever" (that is not an actual quote). Then she takes her "last tour" with an eccentric group of people, and BOOM, suddenly she has everything.

Again, Big Fat Greek Wedding got away with this really good. This one doesn't. One scene in it is the one I remember the most, and the one that proves that either the woman who made this (also the main actress) has ran out of ideas or she forgot how to make things funny. Her, the bus driver, and her tour group are on a crappy bus driving, and her character introduces the bus driver. He says he wants the tour to know his nickname, and he says into the microphone she puts in front of his face, "Poopi." Later on, he announces that his last name is "Kakas." Both times, the tour laughs their heads off.

So Poopi Kakas the bus driver is actually the romantice interest. Wow, that's funny. And this movie really isn't going to be for anyone but fans of Big fat Greek Wedding. This one is more like Big Fat Greek Who Gives A Crap. Sounded stupid, yeah, but that's what this movie is.

Score: 4/10

Friday, October 9, 2009

Facebook Cause

Hey all,

I just joined a Cause on Facebook about destroying all hate groups towards Israel. So please join it if you have a Facebook account and help the cause. Check it out on Facebook under the app called Causes. Thanks a lot

Saturday, October 3, 2009

You Might Be a Redneck if you saw Jeff Foxworthy at the Airport

Yeah, I know, he's not Hannah Montana, but since I've never seen anyone famous before in my life (other than Jimmy Carter, i guess), I was shocked to see the famous stand-up comedian himself at the airport, in line behind me at the security checkpoint. I only heard two words from him (since I couldn't hear anything else he said), but once I heard "BRAD PITT?!" in his redneck voice (and I love this guy because he's hilarious), I knew it was the real deal. My dad's first response to this was trying to get me to get an autograph, but I didn't. I did see him giving a fist pound to some guy at the security checkpoint though. Ha ha. But all that moment needed was a "GIT-R-DONE" and it would've been perfect.

Book Review "The Lost Symbol"

"The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown

It's the sequel to the Da Vinci Code and it's awesome. It has all kinds of cliches (meaning that the plot is recycled from all of his other books), but it probably will have a movie out in three years.

The plot is Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks' character) running around Washington D.C. to find an ancient treasure of the Freemasons. Yeah, who cares, but there is a lot of plot twists if you pay attention to the characters. Yeah, there isn't much to say about this book, but if there's one book you should buy this year, this is it. Just ignore anything you don't understand and you'll have fun.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Movie Review "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"

"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," with Matthew McConaughey (how the hell do you spell his last name?), Jennifer Garner (OH SNAP), and Michael Douglas

Wow, not only do the tween girls have their crappy rom-com of the year (17 Again, check out the review of the Zac Efron movie I was FORCED to watch), but now the middle-aged women (meaning my mother) have theirs in this. However, the tween girls win out not because 17 Again is better than this, but because at least they'll probably like it.

In a sad attempt to try to have a "different" concept, Matthew McSomething actually has a role that fits him perfectly: a womanizing cheating dick. He breaks up with three women at once via teleconference. HA HA, he uses technology. He's also just as stupid as other characters he's done, except instead of being a redneck, he's a city boy redneck. So anyways, he goes off to his brother's wedding rehersal, promptly ruins it, and then hallucinates three ghosts (along with a ghost of his dead uncle, Michael Douglas), who make him a "good person." Yay.

Now, Matthew McSomething can do a good job in movies. His role in Tropic Thunder actually made me respect him for once. But this movie is both where he belongs, and what kind of movie he should stop doing. Oddly enough, whenever he doesn't do a rom-com, it's actually good. But this movie is not only inaccurate (it tries to give woman advice which doesn't even work), but also just plain dumb. Jennifer Garner is exactly the same, if you've seen any of her movies other than this (Daredevil).

And that's it. Other than some SMOKING HOT women wearing lingerie, this movie isn't anything good. Not even the middle-aged women will like this. Maybe you should've seen Transformers instead.

Score: 4/10

Sunday, September 20, 2009


This has been an interesting little bit of a while. Patrick Swayze, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Barack Obama, hell, even the Beatles. And that new Megan Fox movie bombed. That sucks.

Video Game Review "Wii Sports Resort" and "The Beatles: Rock Band"

Yeah I haven't seen a lot of new movies since Star Trek (though I want to see Jennifer's Body starring Megan Fox, but I probably won't), so I'm gonna start reviewing video games and very rarely, books. I plan to review that new Dan Brown book (He wrote The Da Vinci Code) soon. But in the meantime, I'm reviewing two video games I got for the Wii (yeah I know it sucks).

"Wii Sports Resort" by Nintendo

This review isn't gonna be long. There isn't much to say about this game. It comes with an attachment that makes the controller LONGER (think the Wii version of Viagra, hint hint), and makes it WORK better. It's stupid, because It only works about 20% better when you actually use it. Everything in it is easy, so easy that I watched a 3 year old successfully beat the hardest minigame in the "Swordplay" part by swinging his hands like an idiot. If you're a gamer and/or nerd, don't get this. But that doesn't mean it isn't fun. It is, if you're bored as hell. Most of the games are fun, but don't even try basketball and a couple other games, since a few are literally impossible to play. Archery is fun-ish, so is swordplay, except Swordplay is moronically easy. Skydiving is fun-ish too, but there are some fun moments in it. All in all, a great "anyone can play it" game. But not good for anything else. Madden this ain't

Score: 7/10

Since the graphics don't really matter to me in most cases, I don't care that they suck for a game. Just saying, but the Wii's graphics suck in most cases anyway.

"The Beatles: Rock Band," by MTV Games (could be EA, I don't know)

If you are a die-hard Beatles fan, this is the Messiah of everything. Really, because not only is it fun, but it also has so much Beatles stuff that it will make the fans faint. I'm a casual fan of the Beatles myself (since they're the only band before the 70s that doesn't suck), and the facts were interesting enough. But it makes all that collecting those fans did completely pointless, since it has virtual versions of EVERYTHING Beatles. It's much easier than Guitar Hero, and funner, too, though Guitar Hero is more accessible. The songs are fun enough to play, though every time you do anything BUT actually play a song it tries to connect to the Internet. It's alright, but annoying. The Beatles: Rock Band's main problem isn't any of that though. It's that the songs' visual stuff is messed up.

It really depends on when the song was done. The older the song, the more normal the visual stuff looks. In every Guitar Hero or Rock Band performance, it shows the characters (in this case John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr) performing it. Nice and simple. But in their later songs (when they were on drugs), the creators of this game tried to visualize their later music. It looks fine, but it's just weird beyond belief. Yellow submarines, tie-dye backgrounds, Ringo Starr with a parrot mask on, the later songs were messed up already, but the visual representation of it is freaky and disturbing. But other than that, it's good.

Just pretend that you don't feel like you're on crack. Sometimes.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Patrick Swayze is Dead

Tonight I checked out the Internet (Yahoo!) and discovered that Patrick Swayze died. That and I'm trying to get my dad to change the movies on his Blockbuster Online list (he's got every low-budget romance crap piece of movie on that damned list). But Patrick Swayze died. That's sad. At least he wasn't a weirdo like Michael Jackson was.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Movie Review "Star Trek"

"Star Trek," with that guy from that Lindsay Lohan movie, that guy from "Heroes," Tyler Perry, and Lenard Nimoy

I'm not a Trekkie. Hell, I was born in '95, and by then Star Trek had become the nerdiest of the nerdiest. This movie isn't going to change that Star Trek is a nerd-exclusive realm. But that doesn't mean it isn't a good movie.

It's about the "beginnings" of the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise (and I only know that because you see the dammned ship almost the whole movie, so you'll remember the name), with younger versions of Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the brave people in that ship, blah blah blah. This looks like the nerd version of the hilarious Transformers movie, because it has comedy at very brief moments (including a crew member named Scotty being sucked through the plumbing of the ship), but it is missing the ridiculous characters and a HOT WOMAN. There is a mildly hot one, but she is nothing compared to Megan Fox. So what, this movie isn't about ogling female body parts, it's about kids enjoying something that their parents like for ONCE.

And that's exactly where the movie screws up.

It's good, don't get me wrong. But there is NOTHING in this movie that would attract a large audience. It's good. But as good as it is, you can't help but not really GIVE a damn about any of the characters. Most of the movie is ships flying around, and people and aliens talking, there is almost no action, and almost no comedy. Who cares that such-and-such died. So WHAT? There's two fight scenes. TWO. Both last less than five minutes. The rest is talking and running around. No, three fight scenes. But no matter how violent you make it, no matter how much language you slip in, it still isn't on the magnitude of Star Wars, though it is better than the 3 newer Star Wars movies. You won't care about this movie, because Star Wars created characters you'll care about, but all Star Trek does is expect you to like it.

Which you probably will if you're an adult or ultra-mature teenager like myself. Because like I've said, it is a good movie. The acting is, for the most part, good. There is one exception, which is Tyler Perry, who sounds so stupid that you will groan the second you see him unless you like his crappy drama flicks that come out every year. Hell, he would've done a better job making his old fat woman character Madea as his character in this instead of "guy who dully says stuff." When he's not Madea, he sucks. But other than that, the actors are good, especially Lenard Nimoy, who plays "Old Spock," a version of himself from the future or something. Weird ass stuff. But when you see him, Trekkie or not, you will like this movie. Because he just FITS. So see this as your Star Wars substitute. It tastes different from the master of sci-fi, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad.

Score: 8/10

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Movie Review "State of Play"

"State of Play," with Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams

State of Play is simple but complicated at the same time. Russell Crowe (the dude from Gladiator) is some reporter guy who finds out that the mistress of his best friend, who's a congressman (Ben Affleck, who I really don't give a damn about), and tries to find out who does it with a new blogger/journalist woman (Rachel McAdams, who is really hot by the way, just saying). So they run around, get shot at, and find out the super duper ultra evil plot.

This is a good movie, though. It's well done. The actors do a good job, and you like their characters. I would write more, but I'm tired, and it's close to 11:30 PM, so I'm not writing much. Good movie.

Score: 8/10

Movie Review "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," with Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox

I don't know why the critics hate this movie so much. This movie is really good. The action sequences are incredibly good-looking, but that's about it. If you're in it for action, your reaction will vary, because they do go on for too long and most of them are pointless. The story is SO stupid and abstract that there's no point trying to get it. BUT, this movie DOES have two things going for it which makes it great: comedy and Megan Fox.

That's right, comedy. This movie is hilarious, with moments, lines, and scenes that will have you in hysterics. What makes it so funny is that it's completely obvious that almost all of the comedy is either by accident of unintentional. There are only 2 times as far is I know where it was put in there on purpose. Michael Bay (the director) obviously sucks when it comes to plot or emotion. But that makes it even funnier. The villains are also laughable, because they range from mildly badass to plain ridiculous,including one of the funniest characters in the movie, a Decepticon (one of the bad guy Transformers) that can take the form of a remote control plastic truck, who is SO stupid that he launches one-liners left and right, especially at the ever-HAWT Megan Fox (the best one is "You may be hot, but you're not that bright.") But he's really funny, with a "stunt" so sudden that it will creep you out ad make you laugh. There's also two bigger good Transformers (called "Autobots") that have metallic buck teeth and sound like modern day gangster stereotypes, which also have their funny moments. Another funny character is Shia LeBeouf's character's mom, who was the funniest character from the original movie (her line "Are you masturbating again?" was the best moment of the first film), actually wearing baby shoes as a necklace and accidentally eating a marijuana brownie (yes, she does that, and gets high), are some of the funniest moments.

The other big factor of why this movie is so great is Megan Fox. She is hot. That's basically it, and the reason why I went to see this in the first place. She doesn't dissapoint, with so-sexy-it-can't-be-coincdence moments with her thrown in the film. The first time you see her, she's wearing a really small tank top and extremely short jeans, straddling a motorcycle. Yes. Another one is her head lying on another characters groin after they teleport (yes, TELEPORT) to Egypt. Don't ask. She's amazing.

The plot and characters are hard to understand. The plot is basically Shia LeBeouf finds a piece of alien rock thingy that makes him go nuts and starts writing weird words everywhere and goes to college and is attacked by a bad Transformer and drags Megan Fox with him to meet some guy who was a secret agent and goes to Egypt to find some thingy to kill another bad Transformer called The Fallen who is trying to activate a machine inside a pyramid that will destroy the sun. Oh, and Optimus Prime, too.

My thing about the bad guys being ridiculous earlier mentioned before, i just have to say that there's a bad Transformer that is created from several truck thingy and has wrecking balls for BALLS. Literally. Like this one actually had nuts and was called Devastator. Not kidding. Go see this movie now. Because Megan Fox is in it.

Score: 9/10

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Also, a day after I saw "Duplicity" (check out the review), I saw the movie "Milk," about the first openly gay man to get a major political office, Harvey Milk. It was interesting, though they kind of overdid it. But the most interesting (and funny) thing about that movie was that one of the homosexual characters in the movie was none other than that blond, feminine guy from the High School Musical movies. Yeah, shocking. And I thought to myself when I saw him, "his career is OVER." Because if there's one thing Disney people hate, it's homosexuals. So I feel sorry for him, but at least he wasn't in the inevitable High School Musical 4 movie that has to be coming out.

The movie itself was a very good pro-gay movie, though, with a good moral message and all that. Just saying

Movie Review "Duplicity"

"Duplicity," with Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, and Paul Giamatti

Duplicity is a good movie. It is. But it's main problem is that almost nothing in it makes sense. It constantly switches tracks so fast you're going to be confused. Usually it means going back in time to show something in the past (oddly, every time it happens it's almost exactly the same as the time before it). The plot is easy to learn, but hard to master. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen work for two rival companies (think much more eccentric versions of Microsoft and Apple), but they're also working together to find a new product one of the companies is making and create it before they do, or something. The product, once you figure out what it is, is so stupid that you'll go into hysterics. But the movie ends abruptly right after the main climax. They spend almost the entire time arguing and running around and having sex. Just like a married couple. Except that there are some problems with the movie other than that, too. The main one is Julia Roberts.

It's not her, exactly, but she's loaded so much Botox into herself that her mouth and boobs look like someone inflated them with a balloon. She tries so hard to look 10 years younger that she actually looks older. I'm not a big makeup expert. I'm just saying that she looks ridiculous. The first time you see her, in a "past" moment, you will say "What the HELL is up with her?" That's what I did. Clive Owen does a good enough job, he's cool, and he actually does the best job. Paul Giamatti is Paul Giamatti, with his typical sarcastic nasal voice and personality (if you've seen anything with him in it, you know what I mean). But he did a good job too, actually, he's in the opening credits, and the opening credits is actually the best part of the movie. Which isn't bad, because the rest of the movie is good. I may make no sense, but you will like it. Or if you don't, you can get a good laugh out of Julia Roberts' botched Botox job.

Score: 7/10

Monday, August 24, 2009

Movie Review "Race to Witch Mountain"

"Race to Witch Mountain," with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, that girl from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," and some guy i recognize from some other movies

This movie has one purpose (in my opinion): to make anyone who saw this and Hannah Montana: The Movie (me) be thankful that they saw the other one first. If the House of Mouse's attempt (and I MEAN that) at making a sci-fi thriller is worse than a movie about the current worst show on TV right now (next to "Jonas," anyway), that's not good. The worst part is that although every attempt at humor (because it's obvious when the movie is trying to make you laugh) fails miserably, because you won't laugh once during this, and also the sci-fi cliches that pop up throughout the movie, you realize that at least the damned cameraman knows what he or she was doing. The camera shots are spot on for a kids flick.

What sucks the most is Dwayne Johnson. How could a badass like him do something like this piece of crap. Yes, plenty of badasses have done the same thing he has (and when I say that, I mean Vin "Freakin' Awesome" Diesel), but the difference was that at least they got away with it. Dwayne is not going to come back from this. This is also one of the lowest grossing Disney movies ever. That little combo has probably knocked The Rock on his ass, and I doubt he's gonna get out of kids films now. Hell, they should've brought Vin Diesel back for this. And it's not that he's a bad actor, it's just that you simply can't say about 30 stupid one-liners within seconds of each other. The actors playing the alien kids (I've seen movies with the girl, AnnaSophia Robb, before, but not the guy), don't do a very good job. Especially the guy alien. Obviously put in there because he looks almost exactly like the girl, he says everything so slow and gets so intense that it's obvious that this kid is meant for this kinda crap. Even people who aren't big movie people will notice that. Too bad, though. This really could've been the movie that changed my opinion of disgust towards Disney. The plot is SO predictable that you already know it even before you see the Rock for the first time. So please, unless you're either younger than 4 or like crappy films, stay away. Because Hannah Montana is kicking this movie's ass.

Score: 3/10

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Hate Mac Ads

Hey, everyone, been a while, but school has started and I haven't seen a lot of new movies lately (except for the horrible "17 Again"). But I have another Flash animation to show you, called "I Hate Mac Ads," by Bobert-Rob, which makes fun of those stupid Mac ads on TV now, with Justin Long as the Mac and some balding nerdy guy as the PC. However, this one has a twist, which makes it hilarious. And also that everything said in this is completely accurate. So check out the Flash, which is Be warned, like the last one, this one has some pretty bad language, but check it out, because I said so.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Movie Review "17 Again"

"17 Again," with Zac Efron

The movie is very simple. Guy from "Friends" has a horrible life, guy falls in river/tornado thing, guy turns into Zac Efron, Zac Efron saves his own relationship with his kids and wife. Very simple, you don't have to be a genius to understand the plot. Now, here's the positives and negatives. The positive is that this may have been a decent film, because it does have a few very rare moments that are actually laugh out loud funny (Hint: nothing funny in this movie has anything to do with Zac Efron). The negative is that what normally may have been a really cliched romance film turns into a teen chick flick because Zac Efron's in it.

Because it's High School Musical if everyone but Zac Efron was killed by Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers. He dances, he plays basketball, he spouts his inspirational "Disney kiss-ass" crap the whole movie. His teen self supports many things teens wouldn't do at all, like abstinence, going after older women (his adult self's ex-wife), and out of date insults. The problem is, Zac hasn't left his High School Musical days, because his character is a mirror image of the one from this movie. He's the ultra-popular guy who's actually nice too, which doesn't exist in real life. What sucks the most was that he was obviously cast for this to get a larger teen girl audience. This movie has nothing unique, nothing different, and when it tries something unique and different it doesn't work (including a romantic plot twist that will make the one from Back to the Future look tame). In the end, it's just Zac Efron and a bunch of other people in stupid romantic situations. And in the end, if you're not a teen girl, you are going to hate this. Because I did, and any movie that makes Twilight and Hannah Montana: The Movie look like Academy Award winners needs some really bad stuff.

Score: 3/10

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Me Vs. One of Zac Efron's Movies

That's right, Zac Efron, the current king of teen girl movies. Because my parents decided to exchange from Blockbuster Online, the actually very funny "Fired Up!" for "17 Again" at the store (to rent, thank God). So the review for that piece of crap is tomorrow. Also, school started up for me, so I'm very busy. Just please pray for my soul. Thanks a lot, and God speed.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Movie Review "The Soloist"

"The Soloist," with Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx

The Soloist is about a journalist who meets a homeless musician who is schizophrenic (hope I spelled it right). That's about it. It's slightly more complex then that, but that is the basic plot.

But that doesn't mean it isn't a good movie. It's very well done, though there is a few scenes that REALLY made the movie a little bit too long. But everyone does a good enough job in this. Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx do the best job, naturally. Foxx's character is so effed up that he brings a shopping cart filled with garbage everywhere, wears crazy looking clothes (that would make Tyra Banks scream), and generallly speaks very fast mumbling the whole time. And somehow creates a good character. What's funny is though they tried to center Jamie Foxx in this, it ends up being Robert Downey Jr. who gets more screen time. It's obvious that he was only in this because of the one-two punch of the (both very good movies by the way) "Iron Man" and "Tropic Thunder." But he does a really good job here too. But since the movie bombed (and since the scenes taking place at a homeless shelter in LA are both scary and accurate at the same time), they really should have called this "Even Iron Man Likes Homeless Folks." Because though this movie is very good, it's just whoring a series of LA Times articles by a guy who just was writing about his experiences with his homeless friend and how his life was approved by it. And hell, it IS a true story, although it's a true story where every character in it magically de-ages about 10 or 20 years. Because the real people Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx portray are both in their sixties at least. They do a good job, but they look too young.

But overall, it's a good movie, for those people who enjoy "real cinema." As dramas go, it's good, though a little messed up sometimes.

Score: 8/10

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


This is indirectly related to my last post, and I know it's really soon after the last post too, but I have an account with the same site that the "tWHYlight" animation by Bobert-Rob is on. So I'm posting a link to it which shows that I referred you to it if you click on it (or type it). It's Just type it in so I'll feel better. Thanks.

Flash Animation

A new thing I'm going to do on this blog is to put links to Flash Animation that I've seen and really like. The first one I'm putting on it is a spoof of the movie "Twilight" (that crappy girl vampire flick) called "tWHYlight" by Bobert-Rob. the site is I promise the site doesn't have any viruses or stuff like that, I've been going on it for years.

WARNING: It does have some pretty bad language, so if you don't want to see that, then just ignore this post. People who like Twilight won't like this, also (especially because there's a few really funny insults towards Robert Pattison, the guy who's the vampire in the movie in case you didn't already know that). Hope you'll like it, and remeber that I DIDN'T MAKE THIS, so if you have positive feedback give it to Bobert-Rob, the guy who made this.

Hopefully I can add more stuff to this blog soon. Who knows what I'm putting on this thing next.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Movie Review "Gran Torino" and "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li"

"Gran Torino," with Clint Eastwood

What sucks about this is that this is gonna be Clint Eastwood's last movie. Not because it was a bad movie, because it wasn't, but because he said so himself. His character is Walt Kowalski, a Korean War vet who is probably the biggest racist ever. His racism is old fashioned, making mean jokes about minorities and badmouthing them. The kicker is that every white guy in the movie (except for his relatives, who appear in a few scenes, and his priest) are racist too. He especially hates Asians and Asian-Americans, which gradually changes. He's the only Caucasian in his neighborhood when the movie starts with the death of his wife. Everyone else is Asian-American. The entire movie is him befriending his neighbor's grandson, named Thao, and protecting him from a gang led by his cousin. That's it. But like Million Dollar Baby (which I didn't like except that it had Clint Eastwood in it), he took a really simple concept and made it complex.

What is worse than Kowalski with his racism is everybody else but the rest of his neighbors. His sons and grandchildren are arrogant and uncaring, with one of his grandddaughters literally telling him that she should have his vintage car once he dies (a Gran Torino). The priest is a guy convinced that he is God's agent and that his mission in life is to help Eastwood's character. The characters who aren't his neighbors are just bad people.

The movie has a surprising number of F-Bombs for a movie from a pretty old guy. It's funny only because Eastwood takes his racist bastard of a character and makes him the guy you like the best. Thankfully, in the end, after all the violence, which is pretty messianic, all the characters get what they deserve.

Now, though I'm only a sophomore,that doesn't mean I can't admit that Clint Eastwood did a good job. He did a good job. In the end, this is a good movie because it blends drama, violence, and humor to make something that you like to watch. It could've beat Slumdog Millionaire for the Academy Award, but even without it, at least Clint Eastwood's last hurrah wasn't a failure.

Score: 8/10

"Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li," with the chick from "Terminator: Salvation," the chick from "Smallville," a guy that I've seen in a few movies, and Michael Clarke Duncan

20th Century Fox has been on a roll. They made this movie and "Dragonball: Evolution" within a month of each other (they even released Dragonball the same day as Hannah Montana: The Movie). But this one, as cheesy and stupid as it can get, isn't bad.

It's based on a video game (Street Fighter 4 went into stores 4 months ago), but very loosely. There are only four characters who are from the actual video games (Chun Li, M. Bison, Balrog, and Vega), and one mentioned at the end, since they were obviously intending to make a sequel (Ryu). The story has nothing to do with the video games, and the movie has almost nothing to do with the "Street." The really should've called it "Fighter," get sued for copyright infringement, and dealt with it.

So Street Fighter fans will hate this. I don't know that much about Street Fighter (although I do like it and the video games are fun), but obviously the guy who made this just assumed "oh, it's a Street Fighter movie. So everyone will love it." Every reference or nod at the video games failed. Hell, the got the outfits wrong two, and the villain (M. Bison) somehow changed his race from olive skinned military guy (in the game) to sharply clothed white guy (in the movie).

The fight scenes are generally good, I guess, though it is kind of cheesy also. The woman who plays as Chun Li (the chick from "Smallville, named Kristin Kreuk), not only is she hot, also does a good job considering how effed up the script is. But this film isn't that bad. Just sedate any Street Fighter fans nearby and you can watch a stupid but decent movie.

Score: 7/10 (because it really wasn't that bad)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Movie Review "Hannah Montana: The Movie"

"Hannah Montana: The Movie," starring Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana (sarcasm intended)

Yeah, I was forced to see this today by my cousins (both of them are girls, by the way), and they would've killed me (literally) if I didn't. My older cousin claimed it was an awesome movie, I made the typical guy response of saying it was horrible. I was about 3/4 right.

Since I have seen snippets of the show sometimes (when I'm really bored), from the first moment of the movie i saw (a British tabloid editor is demanding that her paparazzi find some dirt on Hannah Montana), it is automatically better than the show (which sucks ass). The movie doesn't have a linear plot (Hannah Montana does a concert to save her hometown being turned into a shopping mall or something like that), the characters are not likable (except for Miley Cyrus, I guess), and if you're a guy like me, you're not really gonna care what happens.

But if you're a girl, on the other hand, this is the second coming of Christ. If you like the show, you'll sure as hell like the movie. It has songs (less than High School Musical, thank God), attempts at comedy, and even some romance (between Miley and some redneck farmer guy she knew as a kid). Hannah Montana fans will be overjoyed.

But going back to my previous point, if you're not a Hannah Montana, you won't like this. At all.

But being fair about it, it's not as bad as I thought. Most of the time it's bearable. Miley Cyrus does a good enough job (better than anyone else, anyway), and hell, she's cute, so I can forgive her for the really bad role she's in. The worst part is the script. Whoever wrote it obviously was either being controlled by Disney (possible), or a total idiot (possible). Either way, whoever wrote the damn script should lose his job, because it was one of the worst scripts in a movie. it also had cameos from Tyra Banks (who has a shoe fight with Hannah Montana), and Taylor Swift (who randomly shows up in a concert hall and sings something). The songs look just like music videos, quick point. It is funny in a couple moments. But though you won't hate the originally characters, you'll hate the new ones. And the "Hoedown Throwdown" and "The Climb" songs are good. But it's the same old Hannah Montana crap, and if you don't like that, well it's too bad.

Score: it's kinda hard to give a score for such a divided movie like this, so here goes:

For most guys, and girls who don't like Hannah Montana: 0/10

For girls who like Hannah Montana: 10/10

My score: 6/10 (Miley Cyrus gets a 8/10 because she really did do a good job)

Note: the guy who plays her love interest (his name is Lucas Till) was a classmate of my dad's receptionist (they went to a high school in Georgia). That's cool in a really odd way.

Oh, and my cousins saw the honest-to-God Hannah Montana in Savannah, Georgia, filming. That makes me jealous because I've never seen a celebrity in my life

Movie Review "The Pink Panther 2"

"The Pink Panther 2," with Steve Martin, John Cleese, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, and Aishwarya Rai

This one is actually better than the first one, which is a shock. The first one sucked, and thankfully there's actually some funny moments in this. The villain has the completely frightening name of the Tornado (sarcasm intended). The Tornado steals several of the world's greatest treasures (according to the movie anyway, the artifacts really aren't as valuable as you might think), and then the Tornado makes the mistake of stealing the world's greatest diamond, the Pink Panther. The whole movie revolves around Clouseau (Steve Martin's character) being assigned to a multi-governmental detective gang called the "Dream Team" (and that is the honest-to-God name). Lots of the usual gags from a movie like this happen, including a really unrealistic one of Clouseau being launch from a car and flies several hundred feet in the air over the Eiffel Tower (and that does happen). The plot twist near the end (the Tornado is actually a member of the "Dream Team") is pretty stupid. And the cartoon Pink Panther appears as well at the end.

Steve Martin's Clouseau is very different then the originally one from the old Pink Panther movies (my dad made me see all of them, since he's a huge fan of the films). Peter Sellers (the original Clouseau) is just as stupid as Steve Martin's Clouseau, but the difference is that the older one is just a lovable idiot. Steve Martin's character is self-centered, is a sexist and kind of a racist (watch the movie to get what I mean if you want), and humiliates himself constantly without even realizing it. He also looks like they had to airbrush him a lot to make him look younger. But still, the kiddies will like this, and there's even a little bit of adult humor. and Aishwarya Rai is hot as usual.

So in the end, who's my favorite character in the movie who isn't Aishwarya Rai? The Pink Panther diamond.

Score: 6/10

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My Blog

In case you're wondering why everything looks so out of date, it's because I can't customize my blog for some reason. Once I figure out how to do that, I'll update the polls, stuff, etc. Hopefully you'll enjoy what is on my blog, and check out my Facebook page too (search for Palmer Rubin).


Movie Review "Knowing"

"Knowing," with Nicolas Cage

The concept is pretty simple. A girl who looks just like the girl from the Exorcist writes down a series of random numbers for a time capsule project in 1959. But the teacher grabs it from her before she finishes. Then the time capsule is buried, and the girl disappears. The teacher finds her later in a closet, with some numbers scratched in the door, her fingers bloody and creepy. Then you see Nicolas Cage and his Discovery Channel obsessed dork son. They have the usual widower-kid banter. Then Nick Cage's son gets the same paper that the girl from the 50s wrote for the time capsule when it's unearthed 50 years later. Then the son, who has a hearing aid, suddenly gets ovices in his head. The rest is Nick Cage, whose character is a college professor who has been an atheist since his wife was killed and has a bad haircut and a drinking problem, try to stop the numbers (which is a code predicting correctly every major disaster from 1959 to this year).

This film switches tracks a lot. It is drama one point, thriller the next, action the next, then horror, then sci-fi, all in a mixed up order. You're going to see a plane narrowly miss Cage, then see black oval-shaped rocks hover around him later. Cars get hit by trucks, people die, kids are kidnapped. It does explain why Nick Cage's character of all people is the guy whose kid finds the paper. He explains in a class to his students about how one theory of how life is the way it is is how it's destined to happen (a very religious thought). So because it was destined to happen, Nick Cage is chosen to save the world. Which he doesn't.

The ending suggests that everything that Nick Cage did was all for nothing. It literally is a bad ending. Because the sun shoots out a solar flare that reaches Earth and destroys us all. Because there are black-clothed pale blond guys stalking Nick Cage's kid. Because those same weird blond guys are actually aliens (no I'm not kidding, they make the blue guy from "Watchmen" look normal), because they take Nick Cage's son and the granddaughter of the woman who wrote the paper (and two of every other animal, a la Noah's Ark), and then they leave in weird blue spaceships, leaving everyone else to die, including Nick Cage. Then it gets worse. The very last minute shows the kids on an alien planet, the aliens dropping off all the animals, then they run off towards a funny looking fruit tree. And you have to be a total idiot to realize what that tree is. That's right, they run off to eat an alien version of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (from the Bible). Then as they're about to reach the tree, the screen goes black. Roll end credits.

Oh, yeah, it's also an action movie.

Score: 5/10

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Movie Review "Push" and about 20 minutes of "Inkheart"

"Push," with Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning

Push is a more realistic, gritty version of X-Men. Except instead of being called mutants, the super-powered people are known as "us", "them," and very vague terms suggesting them. Chris Evans (The Human Torch from "Fantastic Four"), is a "Mover," a guy who can use telekinesis. Dakota Fanning is a "Watcher," who can see the future. The two of them are trying to stop Division (which is a corrupt branch of the US government trying to capture all of the super-powered people in the world and create an army. The odd thing about Division is that their leader actually has super powers himself, and he's called a "Pusher," who can put thoughts in your mind. The super powered people's similarities to the X-Men are obvious. They're all pessimistic, whiny bastards who constantly mope about their powers, and don't really give give a damn about causing as much collateral damage as possible though they are the good guys. But at least X-Men had a plot, as stupid as it was.

The director of this film had no idea what he was doing. the plot is broken down into something like "must find case with thing needed to stop bad guys so we can rescue Dakota Fanning's mother and then everyone will be happy yayyyyyy". That really is the plot. The silver lining (kind of) is that it was done on purpose because the movie constantly acts like there's going to be a sequel. The guy who plays the main bad guy is the only guy doing a decent job, though he sucks as much as everybody else. It also said on the back cover that the guy who played as the villain was nominated for an Academy Award. Chris Evans' character is a total hotshot, and I've never really liked him in any of the roles he's in. Dakota Fanning completely fits the role, since the character is almost exactly like every other character she's played in movies. Then there's another "Pusher", played by some twenty-year-old (Oh, and she's dating one of the Jonas Brothers or something). Her character has three jobs in the movie, to make out with Chris Evans, to be all mysterious like, and to switch sides several times during the course of the movie.

There are many problems with it. One, no one in this knows how to make a film. The visual effects are really good. That's about it. The fight scenes are some of the blandest you will ever see. The main question I have about this film, is if it was filmed on such an obviously high level, why does the end result look like some crappy indie film? And why the hell does there need to be a scene with Dakota Fanning in a strip club (and no, she wasn't stripping herself)?

Score: 3/10

The first 20 minutes of "Inkheart," with Brendan Fraser.

Compared to "Push," which I just reviewed, that movie is an Academy Award winner. You need to be a special kind of bad where you immediately want everyone to die. I didn't see much of it, only about 20 minutes or so. But the recommended period of viewing time for this is about 2 minutes. There is only one bit of OK-ness in this piece of crap, and that is (oddly enough) Brendan Fraser. He is one of those horrible actors who keeps on going through inertia and yet you can't hate him. He personifies the dopey idiot who somehow is an action hero (because he isn't a badass). He also finally is starting to wrinkle, his neck looks like my grandpa's. Other than the comforting fact knowing that he's in his zone (because the movie that is geared towards teenagers but is actually watched by 4-year-olds is where he's king), suckage. His character can make the characters from books come to life. Yay. The movie constantly make lines about the "magic of books" and how they can be a "powerful weapon". This movie is a powerful weapon. It's a perfect torture device for the guards at Guantanamo Bay if they ever wanted to stop torturing the prisoners.

Score: 1/10

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Movie Review "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and "12 Rounds"

"X-Men Origins: Wolverine", with Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, and

This is the most brainless superhero film I've ever seen. That doesn't mean it's bad, and it has a good plot on paper, but when 20th Century Fox filmed this they obviously screwed up. The only superhero films more brainless than this is Fantastic Four (and that's only bearable because Jessica Alba is in those films). The beginning is when a scrawny pre-teen Wolverine (in the 1800s), sees his "dad" killed then kills his friend's dad with his newly grown bone claws, then finds out that his friend's dad is his dad, too, all in the space of about a minute. Then the entire opening credits has Wolverine and his friend/newly discovered brother fighting in the Civil War (for the Union, weird because they're both Canadian), World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War (all for America, obviously). Then his friend/brother (called Victor, but in the comics his name is Sabretooth), tries to rape a Vietnamese woman, is stopped by an American soldier, then grows claws from his fingers and kills the soldier, then forces Wolverine to help him, and then they're put in front of a firing squad, then the opening credits are over. Oh, and they survived D-Day.

So then the movie actually starts with them both in a prison in the late 1960s. A dude named William Stryker (a character from another X-Men movie), meets them and forces them to join a mutant team for no reason. Then I think the movie goes to like the 1990s or something because Wolverine and Sabretooth are with a bunch of other mutants (with Ryan Reynolds, who is in the movie for less than five minutes as a sword wielding guy called Deadpool), and they're in an African country. Than Stryker finds some odd metal on a desk, asks the leader of the people he's after where he got it, takes the mutants to the people who found it, and when they won't tell tells the mutants to murder them all. Then Wolverine gets cold feet (because he's the good guy, duh), and leaves. Then six years go by, he's dating a teacher who won't shut up about a Native American story about some dude that picked flowers for the moon and couldn't give them to "her," (probably an actual myth, but I have no idea). But the guy in the myth has a name that means "Wolverine" in a Native American langauge, then Sabretooth comes out of nowhere and apparently kills her, then Wolverine screams, then he goes after Sabretooth, then he stupidly lets Stryker take him to some place to have adamantium (a made-up metal that's "harder then diamond") injected into his bones so he is literally indestructible, including his claws, then he escapes.

The rest of the movie is Wolvering trying to kill both Stryker and Sabretooth at the same time, fighting almost every mutant he meets, good or bad. There's mutants I've heard of in this movie (Gambit, Deadpool, the Blob, Professor X from the other X-Men movies, Cyclops from the other X-Men movies), and mutants I haven't heard of (all the other mutants in the movie, and some guy who can fire guns really good called Zero, and Wolverine kills him). The final villain (called Weapon XI, who has what looks like almost clear goo covering his mouth, black tatooed lines all over his body, and swords growing out of his arms) is so stupid that the response to his obvious defeat is "Finally!". Actually, this movie is so funny at some points that it's almost a comedy dressed up as an action flick. Lots of people die. Dun dun dun. And Wolverine kicks all their asses. A good action film, but kinda cheesy.

Score: 7/10

"12 Rounds", with John Cena

The thing that threw me off is the back of the cover, which shows that this was made by the same wrestling group that John Cena fights in. The only big guy in this is John Cena, and he does a good job for a guy who's acted in only one other film (The Marine), as far as I know. But this movie is decent, though the villain is some arrogant jewel thief. The story: A jewel thief is almost caught by the FBI in New Orleans (yes, New Orleans), so the FBI makes the obvious move to send average grade cops (John Cena and a friend) after some guy who's avoided every other guy sent after him. So John Cena and Co. actually catch up to this guy, his friend the other cop is shot in the ass (literally) by the jewel thief who's hiding in the trunk of his smokin' hot girlfriend's car (Not to mention that the jewel thief's name is literally a rip off from the Mission: Impossible movies), and then John Cena ends up breaking several minor laws just trying to catch the jewel thief. He stops our friend the jewel thief by grabbing the hitch for a tethered up speedboat and pushes it in front of the approaching car the jewel thief is in. They crash, both the girlfriend and the jewel thief come out alive, jewel thief gets girlfriend to make a run for it before John Cena catches both of them, the music gets more climatic, she's almost away...then she's literally run over by a car. And then cops pop out of nowhere and catch jewel thief.

The screen says "A Year Later". So John Cena and his girlfriend are having the usual little banter that movie couples have, their sink breaks, a plumber comes to fix it. Cena's girlfriend leaves to go on a ferry to get to work. And then jewel thief calls Cena and kidnaps the girlfriend at the same time. jewel thief, being the melodramatic bastard that he is, forces Cena to play a game called "12 Rounds" to get her back. So Cena does all kinds of amazing stunts that you would never have expected a Grade-D cop to be able to do.

That doesn't mean the movie is bad. Oddly, Cena, the only guy in this movie who isn't actually an actor, does the best job. Everyone else is just a cliche. The villain, the loved one, the best friend, the law enforcement guy who's much higher up the ladder than the main character but somehow does a worse job, etc. Oh, and don't forget the cute little dog that Cena seems to like more than the girlfriend. Cena has only two emotions in this movie, annoyed and angry as hell. He doesn't crack a smile once. But despite all the bad stuff about the movie (the worst part about this is everyone else's reactions to "12 Rounds," treating it like an ultra-important game of Clue, with such gems like "You only have x number of "Rounds" left!"), it's still good. John Cena does a good enough job that you want him to win, and though he doesn't give a damn about anyone else (he destroys New Orleans' main power plant in an attempt to stop a trolley in one "Round"), at least he's catching a jewel thief that only kills one person in the actual movie. The villain is so laughably bad that you want John Cena to kill him. For that reason, you're on John Cena's side the whole time.

Score: 7/10

Monday, July 6, 2009

Tropic Thunder

Embarrassing fact, but it's been over a year since Tropic Thunder came out and I finally saw it today. My mother was pissed. And it's hilarious, if you haven't seen it by now. If you haven't seen it, you need to. Right away. Doesn't matter what gender, race, religion, sexuality, anything, you need to see it. Actually, African-Americans might be offended by Robert Downey Jr.'s character (the character pulls a "reverse-Michael Jackson, yeah I know he died like a week ago, and has a surgery to change his race.), and Tom Cruise (TOM CRUISE!) appears as an oddly Jewish producer who says more F-bombs then anyone else in the movie and has an obsession with modern rap music. But unfortunately, just like TV shows like Family Guy and South Park and movies like Borat and the upcoming Bruno (which I hope is funny, looks funny) can be very offensive against certain genders, race, religions, and sexualities, those two are the funniest characters. Hell, Downey Jr. got an Academy Award nomination for this, but lost it to Heath Ledger (who deserved it). But since 9 times out of 10 you've seen this, I'm not gonna review it. But to quickly refresh all the celebs who appear in this movie at any time, you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. (IRON MAN!), Nick Nolte, Steve Coogan (from Night at the Museum), Danny McBride (from Land of the Lost), Matthew McConaughy (in the best role of his career as Ben Stiller's character's agent), Tom Cruise, Tobey Maguire (SPIDER-MAN!), Martin Lawrence, Tyra Banks, Maria Menoumos (some woman I saw in a makeup commericial and someone on Access Hollywood, according to the part she's in), Jon Voight, Kate Winslet, Jennifer Love Hewitt, possibly Charlize Theron, Lance Bass (the singer from N-Sync who came out of the closet), and Bill Hader (one of the cops from Superbad).

So yes, Tropic Thunder was awesome. But Jack Black sucked.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead and the Movie Review of "Confessions of a Shopalolic"

Michael Jackson died on Thursday. I admit that I've never been a fan, since I was born after he was famous (the mid to late 90s), and I liked most of that South Park episode where him and one of his kids moves to South Park (he puts on a fake mustache, and calls himself "Mr. Jefferson" and Cartman falls in love with him), but him dying not only was interesting and weird, but scared the hell out of me.

For one thing, he was 50, which is old, but not old enough to die. I think most people die in their 70s to 80s or even 90s now, and since he died of cardiac arrest, according to what I've heard, so...damn, he must not have been eating good or something. Even worse, he was preparing for a concert tour in London. That really sucks. Oh, and he died on the same day as Farrah Fawcett.

He was a crazy bastard, that was for sure. His fans are some of the weirdest anyone had ever seen. He looked weird, acted weird, did weird stuff, got all those funny surgeries, married Elvis' daughter (his kids are the grandkids of Elvis and the kids of Michael Jackson, my God), divorced her, had that theme park behind his house, went to court twice (I think), had Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sent by Conan O'Brien to 1 of the trials and angered an entire crowd of his fans. So no, I'm not upset that he's dead, but it's odd no longer having some crazy pop singer to make fun of (and his songs aren't that bad for the 80s)

I'm going to put in a movie review because my parents got "Confessions of a Shopalolic" out of Blockbuster. And no, I didn't like it.

"Confessions of a Shopaholic," with Isla Fisher, John Goodman, Joan Cusack, and Will Ferrell's "wife" in Talladega Nights

This movie is for dumb blondes. Or women. Or just about anyone who likes clothes shopping. Isla Fisher is some brain damaged redhead (the character is named Rebecca Bloomwood, which sounds like a redneck name or something) who's obsessed about shopping. She also has hallucinations about the mannequins in the shop windows and inside the shops advertising items. So she splurges and gets into debt. Suddenly she can't buy anything. Damn! She also wants to go into a fashion magazine called Alette run by some European woman type (can't place the accent). To do that, she gets into a sister magazine called Successful Savings . It's ironic as hell, and her emo punk friend (who's engaged, and getting a ritzy as hell bridal dress though she lives in a crappy apartment, crappier than real crappy apartments) even says (I'm paraphrasing) "Rebecca Bloomwood is working for a magazine on how to save money?" So anyway, she and her emo friend go over her bills, lots of them, and get drunk. Rebecca writes an angry letter to the savings magazine (this happened before she got the job) and an article to the fashion one. They get switched, and she gets the job at the savings magazine. She hides in some dresses to get the angry letter from the fashion magazine. She then falls for her new boss, who's some messy British guy. The whole movie is confusing, so the rest is a whirlwind of clothes and shoes and so much woman stuff that even most women will not like this.

Though Will Ferrell's "wife" from Talladega Nights (best movie ever) is in this, she sucks. She's this pale ass modelwho falls for Rebecca's boss. That's it. No one does a good job, and Rebecca is really a hopeless romantic, and even stupider than actual blondes. You may think she's funny, but you don't like her. Even in the climax, where the guy in charge of her bills humilates her on live television (yes, that actually happens), your only comment is "the solution is, stupid, take a gun, and put it to your head so this movie will END." Oh, and one of the actors from the TV show The Office is in it, as a self help guru for shopaholics. And that the same guy who made Pirates of the Caribbean made this. Yay.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Movie Review "Fast and Furious" and "He's Just Not That Into You"

"Fast and Furious" with Vin Diesel

Fast and Furious is without a doubt the best of the series. The first one had no plot, the second was just an excuse for Paul Walker to bore us all with his constant use of "bro," and the third degenerated into a "friends together forever" sort of thing. This one, thankfully, has none of that. The director was smart enough to put the spotlight correctly on Vin Diesel, who is still the gruff badass he always has been. Along with him comes the original cast of the first movie, and a cameo of a character from the third movie. The movie starts with one of the main characters being murdered. Hint: that character isn't Vin Diesel. But it is one of the four people advertised with the movie, and the whole plot revolves around Diesel trying to get revenge by taking down some drug lord in Mexico. This drug lord, called Braga, has the incredibly "original" idea of having street racers cart the drugs in between Mexico and the U.S. by going through a tunnel that looks like a clone copy of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Diesel wins the race, and the rest of the movie is car chases, lesbian kisses, and brief moments where there are some guns. The guy who actually killed the main character i talked about earlier looks just like a Mr. T wannabe, and his entire role consists of him trying to taunt Diesel and be all threatening. I defenitely pity that fool. But other than that, it's a fun movie, though the ladies will definetley not like this. There's a lot of hot women wearig skimpy clothes.

Vin Diesel is the star here, nuff said. He's the only big name actor in this entire film, and he is in his element here. So watch this if you like Vin Diesel, because he's just as cool as ever.

Score: 7/10

"He's Just Not That Into You" with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannson, and Jennifer Connelly

I was forced to see this yesterday, and ladies, it's much better than Sex and the City, though the same people who made that made this as well. It is for women only, though it's funny for both sexes, but it is so sexist towards guys that most guys would probably hate it. Ignore that, and it's kind of funny. The whole point of the film is that guys are total jerks, and that they do al sorts of bad things to women. Though that can be true, it pushes this point way more than they should. Several people who are having problems with their love lives have their lives connected. That's the plot.To make it easier, Ben Affleck is datin Jennifer Aniston who works in the same place Jennifer Connelly works who's married to Ben's friend, who is friends with a guy who is in love with Scarlett Johannson, who is in love with Ben Affleck's friend, who knows Drew Barrymore, and sleeps with Scarlett, who messes up his marriage with Connelly, who knows a woman who is getting love advice from Justin Long (weird movie for him to be in), who is roommates with the friend of Ben Affleck's friend, who is getting help from Drew Barrymore with his job, who is helping Scarlett with her love life. That's the basic plot, and it's a lot less confusing than it sounds. Also, Aniston wants Ben to marry her but he won't. Barrymore is checking out guys on MySpace (which her literally gay colleagues tell her is the "new booty call"). Connelly is trying to catch her husband (the guy interested in Scarlett) smoking. A last thing before I move on, in the end, three of these characters are single and alone.

For one thing, the only problems with this are the things you notice about the actors. Jennifer Aniston looks old, in contrast to the "ever young" Ben Affleck, who doesn't have a single wrinkle. Drew Barrymore has almost no screen time. Scarlett Johannson's character is interested in a married guy who looks like his in his mid-forties, and also wears a lot of makeup. Little things ike that are the problems. Scarlett Johannson is the only person in this film who's actually sexy and younger. The movie is about a bunch of middle-aged folks doing stuff. If you like that, this movie is for you. Thank God it's funny, because that's the only thing saving it from a bad grade.

Score: 6/10

Friday, June 5, 2009

Movie Review "Terminator Salvation"

"Terminator Salvation," starring Christian Bale

If you are a die hard fan of the other 3 Terminator movies, you probably won't like this. The whole movie is humans and robots shooting at whoever the hell they want. Humans fight humans or robots, and robots do the same thing. This film is about John Connor "finding his destiny as the leader of the Human Resistance." In case your wondering, the Resistance is kind of like the Rebels in the Star Wars films, but the difference is that it's leader are arrogant fat snobs who don't give a damn about anything but their own desires. They are fully prepared to kill anyone in their way. Of course, then you have an oddly pessimistic John Connor, a vast change from that peppy little bastard from the 2nd and 3rd Terminator movies. He's got a wife, named Kate Brewster, and she's pregnant. And then there's the 2nd good Terminator (the other one was that chick from the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles TV show) who isn't Ah-nuld. The difference between this one and Ah-nuld is the really stupid fact that he doesn't even have the brute strength of the other Terminators. Compared to any other one, he's a wuss. But he magiclally becomes justb as strong as any other Terminator near the end, so it's all good. This new one is called Marcus, and the movie starts with him as a human being killed by lethal injection. But the leader of the Terminators, a computer program (Think a slightly more primitive version of The Matrix, except with none of that virtual reality stuff) called Skynet, creates a Terminator that looks like him, and has his memories. He finds John Connor with the help pf some scrawny brat named Kyle Reese (Terminator fans know who he is), and some little girl who can't talk (not kidding, she really is in the movie). Anyway, Marcus finds John Connor, and faster than you can say "hasta la vista, baby" Marcus is captured, freed, and ends up helping John Connor. The rest is an action whirlwind of Terminators trying to kill John Connor.

Although I sound really critical, this is actually really good if you like action movies. In that case, you'll be pleased. Like my earlier review of "Valkyrie," its bad parts are so stupid you actually can laugh at it. For one thing, the director of this movie made the two "Charlie's Angels" films. And if you've seen those, which are really bad, this movie is an Oscar-winner in comparison. The Terminators are the worst (funniest) part. There are (in a quick mental thought), Moto-Terminators (basically motorcycle robots), Harvesters (I think that what they're called, they are those giant robots that kept grabbing people in the commerical and had those funny arms on their body), H-Ks (kinda like a really futuristic plane), and finally, the Hydrobots (they look like worms, kinda). The Hydrobots are the scariest, so if you bring your kids (if you have kids), there is an actually scary scene with one, strapped down to a table. And then there's the normal Terminators, and they have the honor of starting a scene near the end that is almost exactly like the final fight scene in the first Terminator. And then there is one more kind of Terminator, and it's a secret. Trust me, you'll love it. He has a five minute fight scene with John Connor, and it is by far the best part of the film. Anyway, this film is actually really good. Ignore some of the ridiculous moments in the film and you'll have a good time (Hint: a computer that looks like Helena Bonham Carter with cancer)

Score: 9/10

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Movie Review "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Valkyrie," and "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

Just as a change from my last couple of blogs, I'm gonna start reviewing movies. Since three big name movies have come out on DVD in May 2009 that I've seen, I'm gonna review three movies this time.

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," with Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett

This movie's idea is interesting. A guy ages backwards, starting as a shriveled up baby and dying as a newborn. Most of the film this guy is Brad Pitt, but about two other actors play as Benjamin Button near the end. His white father abandons him to an almost entirely African-American home, and he is raised by a kind woman who can't get pregnant (She does get pregnant later, though). He meets Daisy, who is the grandaughter of some old woman, and thry become friends. About fifteen minutes later, he goes off to sea, getting younger. He meets interesting folks, has a relationship with Daisy, has a daughter, leaves Daisy, and is found in the same home he was raised in as a twelve-year old with amnesia. He eventually dies in Daisy's arms as a baby.

The whole movie is read like a story by his daughter, who's reading it to an almost dead Daisy in a hospital in New Orleans in 2005. The movie is kinda disturbing, especially near the end, because an old woman Daisy is leading a toddler Ben Button who she slept with 30 years earlier. It also has no plot, as if the interesting idea of a man who ages backward who happens to be Brad Pitt would be enoughto keep it going. This movie isn't very good. That little plot device of Button getting younger is the only interesting thing about the movie. Cate Blanchett did a good job despite looking middle aged the whole time she was in the movie. Even when Buttonand Daisy are the "same age," she still looks older than Brad Pitt, which is odd because in real life she's actually younger. Only fans of odd plot points and Brad Pitt will like this.

Score: 4/10

"Valkyrie," with Tom Cruise

Valkyrie is about the most famous attempt on Adolf Hitler's life, but sexualized into a thriller starring a slightly balding version of the secret agent from Mission: Impossible. In the movie, a group of Nazis attempt to kill Hitler with a bomb, led by Tom Cruise missing a hand, two fingers from his other hand, and an eye. He's easily the youngest member of the "Nazi Traitors," since everyone but him is old and saggy. Apparently, his character, Colonel Staffenburg, has been plotting to kill Hitler, and then gets his chance when a group of Nazis offer him mebership in their little clique. There are two attempts on Hitler's life in the movie, one that almost happens, and an actual explosion but doesn't kill Hitler. The plan goes wrong when after the second attempt, Cruise tricks the German Reserve Army into arresting every SS and Gestapo agent in Germany, or something like that. It's ruined when Hitler takes charge of the fight against Cruise himself, and gets him and the rest of his friends arrested. Finally, the traitors are shot. The End.

The movie has a lot less action than I hoped, but unlike Button actually has a plot. The worst part about the movie is the fact that even without trying, you know what will happen, even if you don't know how. Tom Cruise is gonna die. Cruise does a good job, and is actually funny, getting almost hysterical in his "oddly" American accent. Not to mention that every character but Cruise and Hitler has a British accent. At least Hitler sounds German. Add the fact that Cruise and many other characters speak so quietly you can barely hear anyone speaking. Subtitles are reccomended for this film even if you're not deaf. But despite that, it's not bad, and the bad parts are so laughable you can't hate them. Staffenburg's wife only in the movie to provide emotional support and make-out sessions (two of them), and the fact that Eddie Izzard is in the movie but almost unrecongnizable. Though Neo-Nazis and Nicole Kidman will certainly not like it, fans of action, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes will like it. So hopefully, for Tom Cruise's sake, you liked Risky Business, because then his WWII flick will get more money.

Score: 7/10

"Paul Blart: Mall Cop," with Kevin James

Paul Blart is to Kevin James what I Am Legend and Hancock was to Will Smith, a movie where only the main character does anything important. This is, by far, the worst role Kevin James has ever had. Blart is stupid, wimpy, and unlikable. He's a mall cop who takes his job too seriously, and actually has the sass to try giving an old man in an electric wheelchair a speeding ticket. Everyone he knows but his mother and daughter hates him. And he has hypoglycemia, which means he constantly needs to eat sugar, and is to him what kryptonite is to Superman and what fat women are to Hugh Hefner. Eventually, this seriousness actually helps when a coworker is revealed to be a hijacker and takes over the mall with the help of some extreme sports loving terrorist wannabes (Considering that one of them actually tries killing Blart on a bicycle, they're not scary at all). By a horrible coincedence (Blart is playing Rock Band as the hijackers attack the mall), Blart's the only mall cop left inside the actual mall. So the rest of the film is a smorgasboard of Blart defeating the hijackers in "inventive" ways (slamming an air duct onto a hijacker's head, launching a fog machine at another, and blowing up an oven in a Rainforest Cafe, a few examples), and stupid antics (putting a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on a cut, getting into a fight with a majorly obese woman in a Victoria's Secret), and wins over his crush, some woman working at a wig kiosk, and saves the few people left in the mall.

Though it's cheesy (and the most kid-friendly flick producer Adam Sandler has ever made), it's kind of funny, and has its moments. For an overweight, wimpy mall cop, at least Kevin James does a good job at a bad role.

Score: 6/10

Friday, May 1, 2009

I Made A New Game

I created a new computer game thing go to and type in the level code 26ac736965e129667c469413d641062f to play it