Monday, September 28, 2009

Movie Review "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"

"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," with Matthew McConaughey (how the hell do you spell his last name?), Jennifer Garner (OH SNAP), and Michael Douglas

Wow, not only do the tween girls have their crappy rom-com of the year (17 Again, check out the review of the Zac Efron movie I was FORCED to watch), but now the middle-aged women (meaning my mother) have theirs in this. However, the tween girls win out not because 17 Again is better than this, but because at least they'll probably like it.

In a sad attempt to try to have a "different" concept, Matthew McSomething actually has a role that fits him perfectly: a womanizing cheating dick. He breaks up with three women at once via teleconference. HA HA, he uses technology. He's also just as stupid as other characters he's done, except instead of being a redneck, he's a city boy redneck. So anyways, he goes off to his brother's wedding rehersal, promptly ruins it, and then hallucinates three ghosts (along with a ghost of his dead uncle, Michael Douglas), who make him a "good person." Yay.

Now, Matthew McSomething can do a good job in movies. His role in Tropic Thunder actually made me respect him for once. But this movie is both where he belongs, and what kind of movie he should stop doing. Oddly enough, whenever he doesn't do a rom-com, it's actually good. But this movie is not only inaccurate (it tries to give woman advice which doesn't even work), but also just plain dumb. Jennifer Garner is exactly the same, if you've seen any of her movies other than this (Daredevil).

And that's it. Other than some SMOKING HOT women wearing lingerie, this movie isn't anything good. Not even the middle-aged women will like this. Maybe you should've seen Transformers instead.

Score: 4/10

Sunday, September 20, 2009


This has been an interesting little bit of a while. Patrick Swayze, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Barack Obama, hell, even the Beatles. And that new Megan Fox movie bombed. That sucks.

Video Game Review "Wii Sports Resort" and "The Beatles: Rock Band"

Yeah I haven't seen a lot of new movies since Star Trek (though I want to see Jennifer's Body starring Megan Fox, but I probably won't), so I'm gonna start reviewing video games and very rarely, books. I plan to review that new Dan Brown book (He wrote The Da Vinci Code) soon. But in the meantime, I'm reviewing two video games I got for the Wii (yeah I know it sucks).

"Wii Sports Resort" by Nintendo

This review isn't gonna be long. There isn't much to say about this game. It comes with an attachment that makes the controller LONGER (think the Wii version of Viagra, hint hint), and makes it WORK better. It's stupid, because It only works about 20% better when you actually use it. Everything in it is easy, so easy that I watched a 3 year old successfully beat the hardest minigame in the "Swordplay" part by swinging his hands like an idiot. If you're a gamer and/or nerd, don't get this. But that doesn't mean it isn't fun. It is, if you're bored as hell. Most of the games are fun, but don't even try basketball and a couple other games, since a few are literally impossible to play. Archery is fun-ish, so is swordplay, except Swordplay is moronically easy. Skydiving is fun-ish too, but there are some fun moments in it. All in all, a great "anyone can play it" game. But not good for anything else. Madden this ain't

Score: 7/10

Since the graphics don't really matter to me in most cases, I don't care that they suck for a game. Just saying, but the Wii's graphics suck in most cases anyway.

"The Beatles: Rock Band," by MTV Games (could be EA, I don't know)

If you are a die-hard Beatles fan, this is the Messiah of everything. Really, because not only is it fun, but it also has so much Beatles stuff that it will make the fans faint. I'm a casual fan of the Beatles myself (since they're the only band before the 70s that doesn't suck), and the facts were interesting enough. But it makes all that collecting those fans did completely pointless, since it has virtual versions of EVERYTHING Beatles. It's much easier than Guitar Hero, and funner, too, though Guitar Hero is more accessible. The songs are fun enough to play, though every time you do anything BUT actually play a song it tries to connect to the Internet. It's alright, but annoying. The Beatles: Rock Band's main problem isn't any of that though. It's that the songs' visual stuff is messed up.

It really depends on when the song was done. The older the song, the more normal the visual stuff looks. In every Guitar Hero or Rock Band performance, it shows the characters (in this case John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr) performing it. Nice and simple. But in their later songs (when they were on drugs), the creators of this game tried to visualize their later music. It looks fine, but it's just weird beyond belief. Yellow submarines, tie-dye backgrounds, Ringo Starr with a parrot mask on, the later songs were messed up already, but the visual representation of it is freaky and disturbing. But other than that, it's good.

Just pretend that you don't feel like you're on crack. Sometimes.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Patrick Swayze is Dead

Tonight I checked out the Internet (Yahoo!) and discovered that Patrick Swayze died. That and I'm trying to get my dad to change the movies on his Blockbuster Online list (he's got every low-budget romance crap piece of movie on that damned list). But Patrick Swayze died. That's sad. At least he wasn't a weirdo like Michael Jackson was.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Movie Review "Star Trek"

"Star Trek," with that guy from that Lindsay Lohan movie, that guy from "Heroes," Tyler Perry, and Lenard Nimoy

I'm not a Trekkie. Hell, I was born in '95, and by then Star Trek had become the nerdiest of the nerdiest. This movie isn't going to change that Star Trek is a nerd-exclusive realm. But that doesn't mean it isn't a good movie.

It's about the "beginnings" of the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise (and I only know that because you see the dammned ship almost the whole movie, so you'll remember the name), with younger versions of Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the brave people in that ship, blah blah blah. This looks like the nerd version of the hilarious Transformers movie, because it has comedy at very brief moments (including a crew member named Scotty being sucked through the plumbing of the ship), but it is missing the ridiculous characters and a HOT WOMAN. There is a mildly hot one, but she is nothing compared to Megan Fox. So what, this movie isn't about ogling female body parts, it's about kids enjoying something that their parents like for ONCE.

And that's exactly where the movie screws up.

It's good, don't get me wrong. But there is NOTHING in this movie that would attract a large audience. It's good. But as good as it is, you can't help but not really GIVE a damn about any of the characters. Most of the movie is ships flying around, and people and aliens talking, there is almost no action, and almost no comedy. Who cares that such-and-such died. So WHAT? There's two fight scenes. TWO. Both last less than five minutes. The rest is talking and running around. No, three fight scenes. But no matter how violent you make it, no matter how much language you slip in, it still isn't on the magnitude of Star Wars, though it is better than the 3 newer Star Wars movies. You won't care about this movie, because Star Wars created characters you'll care about, but all Star Trek does is expect you to like it.

Which you probably will if you're an adult or ultra-mature teenager like myself. Because like I've said, it is a good movie. The acting is, for the most part, good. There is one exception, which is Tyler Perry, who sounds so stupid that you will groan the second you see him unless you like his crappy drama flicks that come out every year. Hell, he would've done a better job making his old fat woman character Madea as his character in this instead of "guy who dully says stuff." When he's not Madea, he sucks. But other than that, the actors are good, especially Lenard Nimoy, who plays "Old Spock," a version of himself from the future or something. Weird ass stuff. But when you see him, Trekkie or not, you will like this movie. Because he just FITS. So see this as your Star Wars substitute. It tastes different from the master of sci-fi, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad.

Score: 8/10

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Movie Review "State of Play"

"State of Play," with Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams

State of Play is simple but complicated at the same time. Russell Crowe (the dude from Gladiator) is some reporter guy who finds out that the mistress of his best friend, who's a congressman (Ben Affleck, who I really don't give a damn about), and tries to find out who does it with a new blogger/journalist woman (Rachel McAdams, who is really hot by the way, just saying). So they run around, get shot at, and find out the super duper ultra evil plot.

This is a good movie, though. It's well done. The actors do a good job, and you like their characters. I would write more, but I'm tired, and it's close to 11:30 PM, so I'm not writing much. Good movie.

Score: 8/10

Movie Review "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," with Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox

I don't know why the critics hate this movie so much. This movie is really good. The action sequences are incredibly good-looking, but that's about it. If you're in it for action, your reaction will vary, because they do go on for too long and most of them are pointless. The story is SO stupid and abstract that there's no point trying to get it. BUT, this movie DOES have two things going for it which makes it great: comedy and Megan Fox.

That's right, comedy. This movie is hilarious, with moments, lines, and scenes that will have you in hysterics. What makes it so funny is that it's completely obvious that almost all of the comedy is either by accident of unintentional. There are only 2 times as far is I know where it was put in there on purpose. Michael Bay (the director) obviously sucks when it comes to plot or emotion. But that makes it even funnier. The villains are also laughable, because they range from mildly badass to plain ridiculous,including one of the funniest characters in the movie, a Decepticon (one of the bad guy Transformers) that can take the form of a remote control plastic truck, who is SO stupid that he launches one-liners left and right, especially at the ever-HAWT Megan Fox (the best one is "You may be hot, but you're not that bright.") But he's really funny, with a "stunt" so sudden that it will creep you out ad make you laugh. There's also two bigger good Transformers (called "Autobots") that have metallic buck teeth and sound like modern day gangster stereotypes, which also have their funny moments. Another funny character is Shia LeBeouf's character's mom, who was the funniest character from the original movie (her line "Are you masturbating again?" was the best moment of the first film), actually wearing baby shoes as a necklace and accidentally eating a marijuana brownie (yes, she does that, and gets high), are some of the funniest moments.

The other big factor of why this movie is so great is Megan Fox. She is hot. That's basically it, and the reason why I went to see this in the first place. She doesn't dissapoint, with so-sexy-it-can't-be-coincdence moments with her thrown in the film. The first time you see her, she's wearing a really small tank top and extremely short jeans, straddling a motorcycle. Yes. Another one is her head lying on another characters groin after they teleport (yes, TELEPORT) to Egypt. Don't ask. She's amazing.

The plot and characters are hard to understand. The plot is basically Shia LeBeouf finds a piece of alien rock thingy that makes him go nuts and starts writing weird words everywhere and goes to college and is attacked by a bad Transformer and drags Megan Fox with him to meet some guy who was a secret agent and goes to Egypt to find some thingy to kill another bad Transformer called The Fallen who is trying to activate a machine inside a pyramid that will destroy the sun. Oh, and Optimus Prime, too.

My thing about the bad guys being ridiculous earlier mentioned before, i just have to say that there's a bad Transformer that is created from several truck thingy and has wrecking balls for BALLS. Literally. Like this one actually had nuts and was called Devastator. Not kidding. Go see this movie now. Because Megan Fox is in it.

Score: 9/10